


in love (but i don't know why)

by ikonisch (discordinparadise)



Series: irl double b aus [2]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: (though y'all already know that), ):, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Crying, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Missing Persons, Music Video Shooting, Rain, a lot of confusion, but - Freeform, but at the same time not really, everything gets deep, hanbin's clueless, i love db to pieces, ikon love each other lots and lots, jiwon's pov, jiwon's trying to keep up with his feelings, junbob talks, mv director is the sweetest, parks, thank god, very fluffy tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-06 04:28:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17932838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discordinparadise/pseuds/ikonisch
Summary: "Bin, I'm so in love with you.""Why?""I don't know, I just...I can't stop thinking about it. About you. It hurts. It's never been this bad before. I don't know why, Hanbin, I don't and I hate it because it makes it seem like it's not real. But it is. I know it's real everytime I look at you and fall in love again, because I know the feeling by now, it's so familiar. I know it's real because love is painful and I'm in pain, it hurts knowing that this is happening and I can't do anything because it'll ruin everything. But I know it's real. I know I'm in love with you."





	in love (but i don't know why)

Jiwon knew that how he was feeling was absolutely stupid, that _he_ was absolutely stupid.

He knew that this song, 'IN LOVE', was one of the most popular in his album, with so many fans going into slight chaos and confusion at Jiwon showing so much of his romantic side which didn't tend to come out a lot—but of course, no-one would ever know how he _really_ wrote it. They wouldn't know how it was actually a song that he wrote almost all in one go after a cup of soju and with a quiet, dozing leader by his side who had fallen asleep when Jiwon left to take a phone call.

Jiwon remembered looking at Hanbin much more than once while he wrote.

He remembered falling asleep next to Hanbin.

But it took him a very long while, almost never, for him to realise that all the clues pointed to the fact that he had maybe actually written this song _about_ Hanbin.

And so that was why he found it so utterly ridiculous that after so many months after the release, when he was actually filming a music video for the song, when he was supposed to link hands with the actress and act all lovey-dovey, a thought kept springing to his head.

_I wish I was doing this with Hanbin._

He was screwed. 

 

\-  

 

**8 : 06 : 35 AM 2019.02.18 - C O N F U S I O N**

They had barely been shooting for a few hours and it was going horribly.

Jiwon felt bad for the actress, really. She was so beautiful and talented and there was no doubt that if she was doing this with someone of her calibre, they'd be done in less than a day but no, she was stuck with  _him_. An idiot who kept on shying away and recoiling from her when she got even the tiniest bit close, so how on earth were they supposed to make people believe that they were in  _love_?

Jiwon was saying 'I'm sorry' for about the billionth time before the director finally called cut. He looked back at the staff who all seemed so done and tired and he gulped, looking back at the actress but she was simply walking away, fanning herself and muttering something that sounded mildly irritated to her agent and Jiwon swallowed, hanging his head as he mumbled one last apology after her as if she could actually hear him.

And then there were shoes coming towards him. The  _director's_  shoes.

Dear lord, Jiwon was dead.

"What the heck is going on with you, kid?"

"I don't  _know_ ," Jiwon sighed, a little shy as he rubbed the back of his neck and kept his gaze on the ground. "I thought I could do this but I'm...I guess I'm still not good with girls, heh."

"Come on, that's not it. You do really well usually when we shoot with girls, so don't pull that on me."

Jiwon frowned, not really sure how to answer and the director sighed gently, putting a hand on Jiwon's shoulder. "You're probably just off your game and hell, that happens to the best of us. I'm not saying the fact that you are isn't annoying, 'cause it really is."

"Oh,  _thanks_..."

"Anything you want to tell me?"

"Um..." Jiwon fidgeted with his hands a little bit, tentative before he asked what might've been one of the most stupid questions he could've asked. "This...I...do you think Hanbin's pretty?"

The director stared at Jiwon like he was the craziest man alive, his face completely weirded out before he simply turned around and yelled, "I THINK THE KID'S DRUNK SO JUST EVERYONE TAKE-"

"I'm not  _drunk_!" Jiwon hissed before he deflated a little, feeling a bit confused as he murmured, "I think he's pretty...but I don't know why I'm thinking about his prettiness right now because I probably shouldn't be but I mean, I can't really  _stop-_ "

"Look, I don't know if you're questioning your sexuality right now or whatever," the director said, looking mildly uncomfortable as if he wanted to be supportive but didn't know how to and also because it wasn't his job to be. "But honestly, all I can say is that you need to clear your head. It's like you've got a lot going on in there, so do you wanna take a walk or...?"

"Aren't we on a tight schedule?"

"Usually, yeah, but the public have no idea that this is coming out, so the deadline's not strict."

Jiwon huffed a little, uneasy and desolate as he looked around the set that was supposed to look like a fantasy romantic bedroom. It had such sweet things littered all on the floor like rose petals and hearts and even some of those ridiculous 'I love you' bears, and Jiwon suddenly felt queasy looking at it all. The thought of being with that actress on that bed and caressing her and treating her like a princess and 'the one' just seemed so difficult and he simply  _couldn't_ —

And then Jiwon's eyes cleared, and so did his mind.

Because in his imagination, the girl had all of a sudden been replaced by the beautiful guy of Jiwon's dreams, as in  _literally_ , clad in a hoodie and jeans and smiling brighter than any star. Hanbin was the one close to him, their chests pressing against each other's and legs messily intertwined as Jiwon ran a hand down the younger's side, pressing soft kisses to his jaw—

"Someone get this kid a soda," the director sighed to the camera crew as he wearily watched Jiwon staring open-mouthed at the set's bed, unblinking with his eyes a little glazed over. "He's gone bonkers, I tell you."

"No...no, no no  _no_ , this isn't  _right_ ," Jiwon muttered, dragging a hand through his hair as he started walking off, completely at ends as he spoke what other people would call nonsense to himself and just when the director was about to call him back, Jiwon spun around with a firm look on his face. "Let's run it again."

The director blinked, a little surprised at his change of heart. "You sure...? I don't wanna make you do anything that-"

"This is my song and  _I_  wanted to do this video so I just gotta suck it up," Jiwon confirmed, speaking more to himself than anyone else, and then he was trudging back to the set like some kind of soldier and the director felt a little confused but instead of dwelling on it, he just shook his head and called out monotonously, "Right, so we're shooting again, everyone, get to your stations!" 

Jiwon honestly thought he'd be fine. 

But 'fine' did  _not_  equal jumping five feet away when he stopped hallucinating that the actress was his best friend who would probably murder Jiwon if he found out about this. 

_God, I'm so screwed._

 

\-  

 

**1 : 43 : 17 AM 2019.02.20 - R E F E R E N C E**

It was the end of a long first day and even though they had got nowhere near as much footage as they should have, Jiwon felt somewhat accomplished. It just...he just felt so  _odd_  now, knowing that he was fantasising about someone that he so clearly shouldn't be fantasising about and why on earth  _was_  he in the first place? It was so confusing and it was leaving Jiwon feeling dizzy yet he couldn't deny that his best shots were definitely when he was thinking of the girl as Hanbin.

"This isn't good," Jiwon whispered, closing his eyes as he knocked his head back against the taxi seat. It was taking him home since he decided that he wanted a little more space to think so he turned down riding with any of the staff.

Jiwon couldn't deny that he had always felt a spark with Hanbin.

Remembering all the laughter, talks late into the night, time together, hardships, outings, it all made Jiwon's already clogged up mind even  _more_  of a mess. He didn't know when this all transitioned to Jiwon seeming like he was absolutely head over heels for their leader but that wasn't true, it couldn't be. This just had to be some sort of...illusion.

_An illusion because I'm missing him so much?_

His phone suddenly started ringing and his eyes shot open, looking around frantically before he finally fished out his phone, wondering who on  _earth_  would be calling at this time. It was probably someone important or maybe the director wanted to tell him somethi-  _oh no._

 **_ 'moron = genius' _ ** **_is calling!_ **

Jiwon felt a lurch in his stomach, not for the first time that day, but he didn't even think as his fingers instantly swiped right and he was suddenly calling out, "Hanbin!" before wincing immediately after. He sounded like some kind of preppy cheerleader. Not to mention that he really needed to change that caller ID, he hadn't talked to Hanbin in so long that he had forgotten what it was.

"Bobby-hyung," was the other's sweet answer, the voice quiet and a little raspy and Jiwon wondered just how tired Hanbin was. "Hi."

"Hey, aren't you tired? It's two am or something, Bin."

"Ah, who cares, I'm just checking in to see how the first day of shooting weeent," Hanbin sang, teasing through his tiredness and Jiwon groaned as the memories started coming back all over again, making him say, "Oh, don't bring that up..."

"Oh no, did something go wrong? Are you hurt, hyung? Or did you get drunk because then lol-"

"Oh shush, hell no, and I thought I told you that it's not cool to say lol out loud-"

"English people do!"

"Oh, and do you speak English?"

Jiwon could almost hear Hanbin's frown as he muttered, "I'm better at it than people think...no shut up about that, I wanna know how your mv's coming along."

"Ah...um..." Jiwon looked down, biting his lip for a moment as he wondered whether it would be a good idea to lie just to make Hanbin feel content but honestly, could he do that? Especially when his brain was already frazzled from questioning his stupid feelings for ages? "I-It went...terrible. Seriously, Hanbin, I really don't know how I'm gonna do this 'cause it's just not working out and everything's so stupid and  _agh-_ "

"Hey, hey, calm yourself a bit," Hanbin soothed and Jiwon felt a little weak at the fact that the former was trying to make him feel better even though he seemed so tired. "I'm sure it's better than you think, hyung, you're...yeah."

"You know what..." Jiwon let out a soft sigh as he brought one of his knees up to his chest, resting his head on it. "Don't try. I'll just...just sleep on it and tomorrow'll be all yay except probably not 'cause I'm dumb. But I'll try again then and I'll also try  _not_  to think about failing."

"Oi, we're having no upset kimbap on my watch!" Hanbin yelped, sounding so determined and oddly patriotic with his cringy-ass words that Jiwon was grinning in no time, leaning back against the car seat because he could already feel himself relaxing a little.

"Distract me, then."

"Ugh, I'd be able to do that much better if I was actually  _there,_ " Hanbin sighed but when Jiwon heard that, all he could think about was Hanbin kissing him senseless which almost made him throw himself out of a window because he was such an  _idiot_  for thinking that. Seriously, what was going on? "But...let me ask a question then."

"Shoot," Jiwon mumbled as he hoped that he hadn't turned bright red, not that Hanbin could see him anyway.

"What's 'in love' actually about? Like, what was the process of writing it, because you've been a bit secretive about it for some reason. Or maybe no-one's been asking the right questions."

Jiwon furrowed his eyebrows a little as he thought, racking his brain to think back to the time he was writing and words were suddenly drawn out of his mouth that he had no control over. "I remember...I remember being sad when I was writing it."

"Ahh, so it's like a sad song disguised to be happy."

"Kind of. I guess it truly  _is_  a sweet happy kind of song but just for me, it's got slight sad undertones."

"But how? Why is it-"

"'Cause it's all fantasy," Jiwon replied morosely, his voice holding a touch of wistfulness and longing and it successfully left Hanbin speechless. "Every bit of it, because I  _know_  it can never happen, or it's not happening now, anyway, not with the person I want. I remember...I could have put in a small insert at the end that said, ' _But this is all fake, 'cause you're just a beautiful dream_.'"

"Hyung...that's so deep."

"Shut up-"

"So who was the song about? If you want to tell me, of course, you don't  _have_  to."

_You._

That was what Jiwon very almost said. It was right on the tip of his tongue and it was the only word that was racing through his head at Hanbin's question and he wanted to say it so  _bad_  although—was that even true? Was it  _really_  about his best friend, even though he even referenced to a female in the song and talked about things that he would never in a million years do with Hanbin?

_You said yourself, it's not gonna happen 'with the person I want'. Who else could you possibly want except for him?_

"I'm not actually sure," Jiwon answered because honestly, that was the truth. His mind wasn't smart enough to wrap his head around all of this. "I have some kind of idea but...no, I don't know."

"Then that's probably the only reason you haven't scored them yet. If you were sure then you'd be an absolute power couple by now, I  _bet_ ," Hanbin cheered, sounding the tiniest bit adorable in his sleepy state and Jiwon felt his heart squeeze, a smile forming on his face for probably the billionth time during that phone call.

"God, Hanbin, I miss you."

Jiwon almost burst out laughing when he heard Hanbin choke a little in surprise, having to take a few moments of quiet coughing before he could finally speak again, sounding even more raspy than earlier. "The heck did  _that_  come from?!"

"Dude, you're my best friend but now I just never see you. You're always at the studio or with other people or else,  _I'm_  out and it's like we have this kind of business relationship now because it's really like I only see you during those group events n interviews we do. I'm stupid for saying this 'cause it's not like I make any effort to hang out with you...though I should. I want to. I love you. Oh no, wait-"

"You always seemed fine with it, you big idiot," Hanbin groaned, sounding so exasperated. "Aren't you always the one pushing me away? I'm kidding...why didn't you say something earlier?"

Jiwon simply shrugged and Hanbin must have sensed it since he started talking again. "I'll come to your set tomorrow, just wait for me, yeah? I love you too."

The last bit seemed so out of place because it really wasn't something that Hanbin  _ever_  said and Jiwon instantly melted, clutching his chest as he called out dramatically, "Agh, my heart, I've been  _attacked-_ "

"Oh hush, I can be sweet. Especially when it's very late in the night and my mind's messed up and I've got a cute kid on the line who's messing me up even more," Hanbin answered as if it was the most justified response he could give, and Jiwon's heart did something again. "So stop being cute, it's annoying."

"But I loooooooove you," Jiwon sang in the most cutesy voice he could make before falling to the side in laughter at Hanbin's grossed out  _'ew'_. "A-Aren't I the cutest  _eva-_ "

"Oh God, stop-"

"One day, you'll be able to get rid of me but that's not gonna be for ages so...I suggest you buckle up," Jiwon teased with a huge beam and it was so nice to be like this, an annoying shit because usually that was Hanbin's job, and he could almost imagine Hanbin's unimpressed look, or maybe he was just smiling like he did at some of Jiwon's actions sometimes since he was pretty much an idiot.

_(Though it's not like Hanbin isn't one most times too.)_

"Hey, if...hm."

"Just spit it out," Hanbin murmured, sounding mere minutes away from passing out into slumber and Jiwon felt bad for keeping him up. "'m sure it won't kill me."

"If you and someone you liked were gonna say 'I love you' to each other for the first time...what would be your ideal place to do that?"

"Oh wow...what a specific question."

"You told me to get it out!"

"Ah, I know, I know...well, I like natural things, and innocent things so...hm, this is hard-"

"What about a park? Like the one with swings and stuff."

Jiwon heard a sharp sound which was probably Hanbin snapping his fingers. "PERFECT! Oh God, ouch, that even hurt  _my_  ears..."

"Congrats, idiot. So, park?"

"Definitely park. You know me so well. Why?"

Jiwon simply shrugged, a huge grin on his face all the while. "Just curious."

And while Hanbin felt even more suspicious, Jiwon was only half-listening to anything the guy was saying because he was thinking about the things that he had to do that night.

i. Change Hanbin's name in his phone to: ' **moron + genius = <3**'.

It was late and he was tired. He was allowed to be sappy for one night. He'd  _definitely_  change it the next day.

ii. Have a  _very_  long talk with Winnie about cute boys and cute leaders (definitely not meaning one person in particular, pffft no way) because no-one else was good enough to talk to.

iii. Ask the director if he could scrap the set completely and shoot the music video in the nearest park.

(Not particularly in that order, but Jiwon would just be happy either way.)

 

\-  

 

**12 : 34 : 58 PM 2019.02.20 - I N C O G N I Z A N C E**

Even with the sun shining so beautifully and the park having the best atmosphere in the world of serenity and purity, Jiwon just couldn't fix his stupid self and he knew for a fact that everyone was getting fed up with him.

"Maybe it would be better if we got a different actress-"

"There's nothing wrong with her!" Jiwon yelped, feeling a bit attacked and worried when the actress looked a little hurt. "She's great and perfect, it's me that's the problem-"

"Kid, we can't just swap  _you_  out," the director said with a raised eyebrow, a hand on his hip which made him look oddly intimidating. He reminded Jiwon a bit of Jinhwan. "You're the main focus of this entire charade."

"I'll try again! I'll do well in the end, I  _promise,_ " Jiwon urged, clasping his hands together and sending the director the biggest smile he could muster. The latter just sighed, shaking his head as if he was trying to get the cobwebs out of his mind.

"I'm sure you can, but you just  _really_  seem like you have something else on your mind. Honestly, if you've got a secret girlfriend or something then get them here if you think that'll go down better, I won't tell YG-"

"It's  _not_ \- it's not that," Jiwon ended on a mutter, realising that getting over-defensive probably wasn't the way to go. "I'm just...I don't know. I feel so jumbled and messed up, sir, I-"

"You tired?"

"No..."

"Hungry?"

"Not really."

"In love? Pun not...actually yeah, pun intended."

Jiwon narrowed his eyes at the director who let out a small snort, rolling his eyes a little as he patted the head of a camera operator who was scurrying past. "So am I right on the money or what?"

"I'm a bad liar so no answer," Jiwon mumbled, walking off with crossed arms and the director had to crane his neck to hear it. He watched Jiwon stop next to the actress, both of them looking at each other for a moment before Jiwon hesitantly rested an arm on her waist and muttered something that seemed to make her smile, and the director wasn't sure if he should feel concerned or hopeful. Honestly, if one too many muck-ups happened...he'd just have to call this thing off. He didn't want Jiwon completely messed up or doing badly with his group because of this; it was just all a little worrying.

There  _had_  been a few great shots.

But much more...not-so-great ones.

So they went back to shooting again with Jiwon doing a little better than before, his actions seeming more believable. But it was only because Jiwon was forcing himself to do as well as he could, and also he couldn't help but smile at the small words of encouragement that the actress would say to him every now and then...she was so cool and sweet.

_Ugh, she deserves so much better, someone give her some sort of mega deal after this for some kind of compensation- she can work with Mexicana with us!! Best deal ever. I should promote them to each other._

But it was when they were on the roundabout, spinning slowly and Jiwon had been directed to reach out and run a hand through the girl's hair, all soft and tranquil, that he stuck his foot out to stop the spinning and sighed heavily. He just couldn't do it, and you know what's funny? Hanbin wasn't even running through his mind then. He was just being downright stupid and incompetent for a reason he didn't know, and he  _hated_  it.

As simple as that.

"C-Can we come back to this later?" Jiwon asked weakly, jolting a little when he heard the director yell out a deafeningly loud 'cut!', and the actress blew her fringe out of her face like some kind of act of irritation.

"Not my place to answer that, sweetheart."

"I'm generally good with girls...I think...but it's going badly this time..."

" _Totally_  couldn't guess."

"Oh, hush," Jiwon grumbled, nudging her lightly with his elbow which only made her laugh in response. "I mean...you're cool, though. And chill. And stuff."

The girl raised her eyebrows, smiling a little in amusement. "Thanks?"

"But I just...urgh, I've been getting very gay thoughts recently about this one guy who is honestly amazing, like  _wowie_  he's so great but anyway, I can't stop it, like how does one just stop _—_ it's impossible, dude—I mean, dudette or...agh, I don't know, why am I even  _telling_  you this, you're gonna hate me-"

"Oh my God, you're so  _strange_ ," the girl giggled, making Jiwon crack a sheepish smile. "I...ah, my agent's calling me but—and I hope you're not saying all this 'cause you're drunk or anything-"

"Why does everyone think this means I'm drunk?!"

"—just channel it, don't go against what your heart wants. I think you need to fix this for yourself and get some closure or answers before you can get anywhere with this shoot...or, I mean, you can just keep suffering. I don't know the details so..."

The girl shrugged, hopping up and sending Jiwon a small wave before walking off. Jiwon waved at her back, thinking mindlessly as he stayed on the roundabout, rotating as slowly as possible as he lightly dragged a foot along the ground. He wondered if it was just the fact that he couldn't relax that was holding him back because usually, he was the most laidback person one would see. So he tried to use that, swinging his legs up on to the seat behind him and stretching his arms out, his hands still attached to the roundabout's railing - but of course  _something_  had to ruin it.

But it was arguably the best something it could've been.

Jiwon let out a gargled noise when two arms wrapped around him from behind, hugging him close to them and saying brightly, "Sup, hyung?"

Jiwon's usual reaction to an overwhelming amount of 'Hanbin-Skinship' was to yell at the guy to get off before perhaps giving up and letting him do whatever, but this time, he decided to stand up which instantly turned into some kind of piggy-bank horror that Hanbin didn't appreciate all that much. "WoaH, HEY  _NO-_ "

"Youuuu asked for it," Jiwon sang, about to take hold of Hanbin's legs but the younger had already wrapped them around Jiwon's torso. The action made him gulp a little, odd thoughts filling his head before he quickly shook them off, opting for running about and almost falling in laughter at Hanbin's frantic, "Ah, ah, aH, NO NONONO, STOP THIS MADNESS, DON'T YOU  _DARE_  DROP-"

"I would never!" Jiwon gasped in mock-offence at such a thought, grinning as Hanbin dropped his chin on top of Jiwon's head as a sign of giving up, grumbling, "I never signed up for this..."

"To be fair, you didn't  _have_  to come."

"Oi, we settled this last night, damn you!"

Jiwon simply shrugged, hitching Hanbin up a little as he walked over to the cameras and the director looked at them oddly, his eyes flicking between Hanbin and Jiwon. "Uh...I see you found each other?"

"He attacked me so I guess you could say that."

"Morning, sir! Hope I'm not intruding," Hanbin said as solemnly as one can do when they're the subject of a piggy-back, raising his hand in a salute. The director simply raised an eyebrow and Jiwon realised something then; even though this director was nice and open-minded as hell, he didn't think he had ever actually seen the guy  _smile_. Maybe making him do it should go on Jiwon's bucket list.

"Well, you know what..." The director hummed for a moment, tapping his chin as he looked around before snapping his gaze straight back to Jiwon. "You guys can just relax for a little while, play around or something. I'll get the individual shots of scenery and Yoona, and Hanbin-ah—try to help clear the kid's mind, okay?"

Hanbin nodded, hugging Jiwon's head while the latter both felt offended and was struggling for breath. "Sure thing. Is it going badly, then?"

"Well... _objectively_  you could say that. But I like to be positive so it's getting there."

Jiwon frowned, drooping a little but then Hanbin, his honest-to-God saviour, spoke again. "I'm here now so this one should calm down; I'm good at doing that."

The director's lips curled up the tiniest bit then and Jiwon's eyes widened. "Good on you, now get the hell out of my sight."

Hanbin grinned down at Jiwon just as the elder beamed up at him, and then Jiwon was bolting off while Hanbin yowled, "COOOOWABUNGAAAAA!" at the top of his lungs. The director simply shook his head, calling over the nearest cameraman and saying, "Go film those two, but don't get too close. And if it gets too weird then just stop."

The cameraman nodded, and the director felt satisfied.

~~~

"Haven't been to a park in  _ages_ ," Hanbin sighed as he swung up and down on the swing while Jiwon just watched him from the next swing with a small smile, only rocking back and forth slightly himself. "Well, I haven't really been anywhere in ages."

"Well, you're here now, and with me!"

"Oh  _wow_ , so amazing!" Hanbin gasped melodramatically and Jiwon rolled his eyes, swinging to the side to try and kick the younger who swung out of the way just in time. "Oi, don't KILL me-"

"I'll have you know that I am a darn  _delight._ "

"...said no-one ever."

"HeY-"

"But you never told me that you changed the shooting site. I went to the other building firsthand and I had absolutely no idea what was going on before someone sent me here," Hanbin said, serious all of a sudden as he frowned and Jiwon blinked, suddenly feeling a sick mixture of bad and shy that settled horribly in his stomach, and he didn't know why he felt  _that_  bad. Maybe it was other thoughts too along with the thought of making already-super-hardworking Hanbin go on a hunt for him.

"Damn it, I'm sorry...I kind of forgot you were going to come."

"Yeah, I figured."

Hanbin started swinging again, raising an eyebrow at Jiwon like he was challenging him and Jiwon didn't back down at all, smirking as he kicked off the ground and laughed loudly at the free-spirited whoop Hanbin let out. The air was sharp as it hit his face but it only sharpened his senses and made the adrenaline in him boost, to the point that he barely heard Hanbin yell, "So why a park?!"

"It was a random choice!"

"You sure about that?!"

Jiwon frantically nodded, pushing his legs even further and he felt slightly like Icarus trying to get too high which was a really scary feeling. Hanbin was still ahead on him though so he kept going, trying not to lose focus once he saw how big Hanbin was grinning, looking up at the sky, his hair and clothes ruffling back and forth. He  _was_  pretty. So pretty that Jiwon wanted to hit himself for thinking that he had even had to  _question_  it, because seeing him like this made him almost ethereal. Unorthodoxly because angels weren't usually represented as 'having fun', but smooth skin, amazing angles of sunlight, sweet laughing smiles - that proved otherwise.

"Shit, Bin, we'll die if we go any higher!" Jiwon yelped and Hanbin's laughter flitted through his ears.

"Aight, alright, we can stop. This means I won though!"

"Oh come on, I just stopped us from  _casualties._ "

Hanbin just stuck his tongue out as he came to a slow stop, steadily rocking for a while before he was looking down at the ground, tracing an imaginary shape into it with his foot. Jiwon had stopped by then too, extremely windswept and dizzy now and when he tried to get up, he was stumbling all over the place leading to Hanbin getting up too just to hold onto him, wrapping his arms snug around Jiwon's middle. "You clumsy elephant."

"That's bullying," Jiwon huffed, leaning against the left pole of the swing set and Hanbin stood in front of him, arms still around the guy.

"Well, I meant it  _endearingly_ , hyung. You can be a cute clumsy elephant."

"That's really not much better."

"But I mean it in the best way. Trust me," Hanbin said with a grin, poking Jiwon's nose gently that had the latter scrunching up his face. Though then Hanbin's face turned a little more serious, his brilliant eyes holding waves of emotion and since it was making Jiwon's stomach unsettle, that meant it wasn't the  _best_  emotion. But Hanbin had the type of eyes which were so beautifully expressive that they over-exaggerated everything. Jiwon didn't need to worry. "Do you not want me here?"

Jiwon blinked in alarm. Maybe he did need to worry... "Where'd you get that from?"

"I was just asking...the guys told me it might not be best to come? Apparently you've been coming home all tired out lately."

"Well, you can't blame me since this isn't going that well," Jiwon muttered exasperatedly before he flicked his eyes back up to Hanbin, giving him a curious look before he poked the younger's chest sharply. Hanbin was ridiculously slow to cover it. "And you would  _know_  how I am if you ever came to us in the evening, hm?"

"You know how whipped I am for the studio. I need to be with her hourly or I'll  _crumble_  from the deprivation of her love," Hanbin answered, sighing wistfully and Jiwon rolled his eyes. "Besides, I visited once and you were all tucked up in bed and I was like 'good, that's how I want you to be' so I left, and then it just didn't really seem right to visit again."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. Some kind of metaphorical barrier."

"Your mind's so complex that I don't even think  _you_  understand it."

"I do. It just doesn't work in words," Hanbin shrugged, and Jiwon couldn't help the small smile spreading across his face as he slung an arm around Hanbin's neck, thinking, this guy was so strange. He had his own world, his own way of doing things, and it was kind of a blessing when he shared it with other people. Hearing his music, his dynamic speeches, seeing his dance moves - even the stupid ways he made any and everyone laugh. What kind of alien was he? "When do you need to go back?"

"I have no idea. Probably when they call me," Jiwon said, making the bold decision to let Hanbin's arm stay there when it slipped down to his waist. "Hey, Hanbin?"

Hanbin nodded, leaning in a little to blow something off of Jiwon's shoulder. Maybe a leaf, a blade of grass. "Yeah?"

"How are you? Like, really, how  _are_  you? Tell me everything."

Slowly, a smile spread across Hanbin's face. "I'm doing okay. I'm trying my best to get a little more rest 'cause I'm starting to realise that, maybe I need it?"

"Not just that you need it. You  _deserve_  it," Jiwon said firmly and Hanbin smiled bigger, shaking his head.

"Yunhyeong-hyung bugs me a lot. He's great though, and sometimes like  _really_  rarely me and him and Chanwoo just all huddle up together to watch something. Like a tiny family."

"That sounds nice."

"Yeah. But remember, you're a part of my  _big_  family. Seven of us, and we're the best people in the world."

"Hey, I thought that you were Mr Humble," Jiwon teased gently, eyes soft as Hanbin inched closer the more the wind crashed against them. It was like they had a little bubble protecting them and the nearer they were, the stronger it was.

"Mr Humble's gotta take his vacations. I love us," Hanbin replied brightly, grinning at Jiwon and Jiwon knew what he had meant by 'us', he meant iKON, their group, their  _team_ , but he couldn't help but think for a moment that it meant them. The two of them. Hanbin and him, not against the world or fighting for anything, just simply  _them_ , together. Jiwon could imagine this being the perfect moment for him to curl his hand around Hanbin's nape and pull him into a kiss, that one thing his mind had been craving for so  _long_. But of course he didn't.

That would ruin them.

Wouldn't it?

"They're cute, hm?" the director asked the actress who was fanning her face to let her make-up dry faster and the actress looked, smiling when she saw Hanbin and Jiwon in the distance, wrapped up in each other with smiles as the wind ruffled through their clothes and hair.

"They're all over each other, aren't they?"

"Quite the pair."

The cameraman was filming further away, but the director spoke into the device connecting them, "You can stop. You don't need to film this kind of thing, let's let them have their moments."

The actress looked at him in surprise. "You sent someone to _film_ them?"

The director grinned at her. "Thought I could make some sort of music video made up of moments from them and show them later. It was mostly for a laugh but now..."

"It's getting too real."

"Mhm."

"They should do it together. Let's be original," the actress said, tilting her head to the side as she watched the other two who seemed to bickering over something now, and the director snorted, shaking his head.

"You know how nice that would be if we didn't have to think about backlash?"

"Yeah, yeah..."

"I'll call him back in a second. Time's going fast," the director said before leaving, clapping his hands and calling out to get his crew's attention as the actress fiddled with her skirt, making sure it looked nice even though the stylists had already procured absolutely everything. Then the first thing she saw when she looked up was Hanbin kissing Jiwon's hair and the elder didn't even notice.

_Idols in love is dangerous. I hope they turn out okay, together or not._

 

\-  

 

**11 : 36 : 19 PM 2019.02.20 - A W A R E N E S S**

Jiwon had no idea why Hanbin had decided to stay with him for so long—maybe he was just bored and didn't really have anything else to do, or maybe he was just avoiding doing work?—but he had, and now they were both sprawled over each other in the back of another taxi. Jiwon had been seeing a lot of those lately.

"Who knew shooting music videos take so long...?" Hanbin mumbled, his voice a little slurred from sleep and Jiwon cracked an eye open to give him an incredulous look.

"Dude, we've shot tons of music videos before..."

"I know but  _still_. It's dumb."

"You're dumb."

"True."

Hanbin moved his head to rest in the crook of Jiwon's neck, his hair tickling Jiwon's face and a wave of affection suddenly washed over the latter so fast that he didn't know how to deal with it. His heartbeat sped up and he hoped to everything that Hanbin couldn't hear it and that he'd  _never_  be able to, because that would just raise a whole lot of questions that Jiwon wasn't ready to answer.

"It's funny to think about," Hanbin muttered just after Jiwon rested his head on top of Hanbin's.

"...what is?"

"How life's supposed to change. People are supposed to grow and learn and develop, and do all those things like fall in love and get different jobs and stuff...but I just feel like I've been stuck in one place for years. I'm still an idiot a lot of the time and I can't grow out of that and I literally feel the same as I did when I...what, since I was sixteen or something."

"Where on earth did this come from?" Jiwon asked in surprise and Hanbin shrugged, quiet as he said, "Just seeing you today, I guess. All of you, growing, making names for yourself. And that all makes me happy because as a leader it's my job to lead  _you_  guys to better paths and higher skies. I'm just supposed to stay grounded on the same road and I'm...yeah, I'm good with that."

"Why does deep Hanbin have to come out at night?" Jiwon sighed heavily, smiling a little when he heard Hanbin snort. "You know you're kind of talking nonsense, right?"

"Oi, that's mean..."

"You've probably grown more than any of us have in the past few years and you've become so amazing from a point where you were  _already_  amazing and I know you know that so I don't know why you're saying all this. You're...cool."

"Oh, how flattering."

"I'm not good at compliments, you know that! And wasn't my compliment before that quite nice? Look, I'm just saying that you don't need to think about all that. You're moving and growing  _with_  us, don't think you're not."

Everything was silent for a moment after that before Hanbin tilted his head a little to look up at Jiwon and the latter looked down. All he could think about was how their noses were brushing together and if he moved forward just a  _hair's_  breadth, those soft-looking lips would be on his, him and Hanbin could be kissing.  _Oh my God, why do I keep thinking about this?_

"It's crazy, I think I've really missed you too," Hanbin said, his eyes sparkling with some kind of emotion and Jiwon could really see how beautiful they were. They never failed to take his breath away. "Sit next to me more in interviews...or...come visit  _me_! Our houses are just above each other."

"You're never at your house."

"Oh," Hanbin muttered. "Forgot about that."

"Why do we live in separate houses? I actually kinda secretly liked rooming with you guys and now it's just plain lonely. Just me, my room and my hundred pairs of shoes."

"No-one asked you to get that many shoes-"

"And no-one asked for your opinion,  _ohhhhh-_ "

"Shut up, you lameoid," Hanbin murmured, jabbing Jiwon in the stomach but his force was kind of weak from what must have been sleep since his eyes closed a moment later. "I think I'm gonna crash now..."

"Into what?"

"Straight into your heart, ka _ching_ ," Hanbin murmured with feeble finger guns, moving his face more into Jiwon's neck as the elder collapsed back against the seat in silent laughter. "Okay, night."

"Sweet d-dreams," Jiwon replied as he was calming down from his high spirits, feeling a little bit at peace as he felt Hanbin's breath fan slowly across his neck, and the younger's nose pressed against his skin softly.

And maybe Jiwon wasn't quite thinking cleverly when he muttered, "Hanbin?"

Hanbin didn't reply, all lost in dream world at that point, and Jiwon's heart constricted as he threw all caution to the wind. He whispered softly, sadness wrapping around his words and he didn't bother fending it off, "I think...I might be in love with you. And I don't know what to do."

Of course, once again, he got no reply. And Jiwon was okay with that as he looped his arms around Hanbin to tug him closer and he dared to kiss Hanbin's cheek, just once, just softly, and he'd never do it again. Hanbin's skin was so smooth. Jiwon's heart wasn't beating fast anymore. He wanted to cry but instead he just rested his head against Hanbin's and closed his eyes.

He was confused about everything but at least he knew where his heart lied, even if it was bound to break soon.

 

\-  

 

**1 : 45 : 47 PM 2019.02.21 - A U X I L I A R Y**

The next day, the most unexpected person decided to come visit him at the shoot. Jinhwan, he could understand, but then there was also... _Junhoe_. Junhoe was  _there_. Supporting  _him_. Don't blame Jiwon for getting a few sparkles in his eyes.

It was the worst but best thing to have them laughing at him while he did his filming, him sending them strained 'please help me' smiles between each shot and Jinhwan would roll over onto Junhoe laughing and Jiwon  _got_  it, it must be absolutely disgusting being his best friends and watching him act so ickily 'in love'. The day before, Hanbin hadn't seemed to mind it. He laughed at first but then he became all kinds of supportive, waving his jacket in the air and yelling, "YOU'RE THE BEST BOYFRIEND, HYUNG!"

_Yeah, I would be if I was yours..._

Jiwon was sitting on the floor of the roundabout instead of the seats, one leg stretched out across the ground as he tipped soda down his throat and looked out across the field basking in the early stages of a sunset's glow. It was getting late now and Jiwon was about to look around for the other two until a voice said, "Any chance you'd make space for me?"

Jiwon straightened up, immediately scooting over and looking away as Junhoe sat next to him. He tried to act casual because yeah, the sky was pretty enough for him to want to stare at it and he kept staring as he said, "Thanks for coming."

Junhoe nodded, opening the can of beer with a flick of his thumb. "Just thought it'd be nice."

"It is."

"Mhm."

"Where's-"

"Decided to go shopping."

"Course he did." Jiwon slowly turned his head, flicking his eyes to the side to look at Junhoe who was fiddling with the top of his can mindlessly, looking straight ahead with his sharp gaze that could see through you. "Why...didn't you go with him?"

Junhoe snapped out of it, turning his head to smile at Jiwon. "Thought I'd be nice for once."

Jiwon absent-mindedly held out his soda can and Junhoe grinned bigger, clinking his beer against it before they both downed their drinks, groaning immediately after. " _Damn_."

"So you're doing well."

"Am I?"

"Oh yeah. All that romanticism mush. You're doing great."

"Thanks. I've been kinda able to get myself together recently...trust me, it was  _really_  bad at the start."

"I heard. Hanbin told us he was gonna loosen you up then report back with the details, which was just him yelling, "IT WAS A SUCCESS!""

"That kid," Jiwon sighed, grinning to himself as he lifted his foot off the ground back and forth. "So weird."

"Eh, we all are," Junhoe shrugged as he leant back, slinging an arm on top of the roundabout railing. "I was listening to the song recently. It's a really good song, hyung."

"Thank you..."

"I was thinking just  _how_  you could've written it. Imagination, right? Or even a little bit based off truth, twisting how you feel for a friend into relationship terms. And it's a sad song _. 'I know I'm not satisfying you right now.'_ Why do you think that, hyung?"

"Because it's always hard to stay with someone, and show them how much you love them. You have your pride, and then time becomes a problem, and then everything slowly turns to shit and I shouldn't be letting it happen," Jiwon muttered before blinking, feeling Junhoe's surprised stare on him and he quickly reiterated which a much more cliché, "A-And also because I'm still lacking! And that stuff! No-one's perfect!"

"Is it  _not_  imagination? Is this like...a  _real_   _person_  we're talking about?" Junhoe asked, his eyes bugging wider and Jiwon grimaced, elbowing the younger.

"Don't sound so  _surprised_ , you meanie. I don't really know, okay? I don't know."

"That means there is."

"Oh my God-"

"Do you know who it is?"

Jiwon swallowed, looking down at the ground miserably. He didn't  _want_  to know who it was now that he had an inkling that he  _did_  know who it was. Because it wasn't right, it would ruin so much, and who was he to want to claim someone with such innocent hopes for love? Hanbin deserved more than he would ever think he did and he'd get it one day, just as long as Jiwon didn't butt in and destroy his chances.

"Yeah. But it can't happen."

"Oh," Junhoe mumbled as he looked away, back out onto the field. "How many reasons for why not?"

"Definitely more than ten."

"Reasons for why?"

"Just one."

"Which is?"

"I love him."

"That's a strong reason. Don't know if it'll overpower ten but if you don't believe in it then you won't be able to unveil the fact that there'll be a million more reasons for why, and ten'll seem measly in comparison," Junhoe said in a level tone, grinning dazzlingly as Jiwon turned back to look at him in amazed, confused curiosity.

"When did you stop being a kid?"

"That's a question for the ages. You know me, I don't think I've ever  _stopped_ , it's just- I don't get to help people a lot. So if I can, I will."

Jiwon had no idea how to reply to that. He appreciated Junhoe so much, God, he loved the dude and this made him feel soft inside because he  _knew_  Junhoe's inner struggle with people and how to present himself. But he was undeniably amazing. If they ever had to do awkward hand-linking face-to-face stuff on a tv show ever again, you could bet that Jiwon would pour his heart out.

He tried to rack his brains for something else to say, but turned out he didn't need to because Jinhwan was running at them with a war-cry before crashing into the space between them, throwing his arms around both of their shoulders so that the bags in their hands hit their faces and Junhoe rolled his eyes while Jiwon spluttered, batting them away.

"Sorry I left! I bought some stuff for you guys though so you can't say anything but thank you," Jinhwan huffed mock-haughtily and Junhoe slipped an arm around his waist to keep him up, grumbling, "Well, we didn't ask you to."

"But I did."

"You didn't need to."

"But I  _did._ "

"But no-one asked."

"But I DI-"

"Guys, shut up."

Jinhwan pouted, hanging his head and Jiwon shook his own amusedly as Junhoe patted Jinhwan's like a means of truce, and then they were getting up so they could get back on set. Jinhwan walked ahead because the other two refused to be next to him with those weapon-like bags in his hands, but Jiwon stopped because all of a sudden, something hit him harder than a ton of bricks ever would. Jinhwan just continued obliviously but Junhoe looked back, raising an eyebrow. "What?"

"You didn't say anything about the fact that I said I love...'him'," Jiwon said, eyes wide as he looked at Junhoe who smiled a little and looked away.

"Come on, hyung, we need to go home."

"You don't hate me? You don't think I'm disgusting?" Jiwon asked, genuinely curious as he hurried forward and rested a hand on Junhoe's arm and Junhoe quickly shook his head.

"Guy or girl, it doesn't matter to me, I'm just wishing you luck. Also, you hitting on male bartenders when you're drunk is a tradition, hyung. A tradition."

Jiwon flushed red as Junhoe walked off and he patted his face, trying to get himself to calm down as he slowly followed, wanting the ground to swallow him up a million times. And it was only when he had one foot inside the car he was trying to get into that he got a text. He paused, taking his foot and his phone out as he pressed on the notification, going a little starry-eyed as he noticed it was Hanbin. But the actual  _message_...it was a selfie, one of Hanbin in glasses and messy hair grinning sweetly while holding up some ice-cream and a hella blurry Jaewon was there in the background. It came with the text,  _'wish you were here! is that cheesy? jaewon-hyung's boring! got some ice-cream to put in the houses. sorry for opening it early, too tempting! tell me how your day was laterrr'_.

"You okay, kid?" the director asked as he came around to him and Jiwon looked up in surprise, snapping himself out of his lovey state as he nodded.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm really okay."

The director nodded, suspicious but pleased. "Go inside, then. I'll see you tomorrow."

Jiwon nodded too, looking away so he could keep his smile to himself and he could feel his heart curling inside his chest as his eyes caught onto the selfie again. "Tomorrow."

 

\-  

 

**7 : 43 : 32 AM 2019.02.22 - C H I M E R I C A L**

Funnily enough, Jiwon didn't see the director 'tomorrow' because the staff texted him first thing the next day that there was no shooting. It was sort of a break for him but not for the director, he had to cater to some 'urgent' matters that Jiwon didn't know about. Which was fine. An off day was great, that meant less getting tired too fast, even though Jiwon was kind of starting to settle into it which was why, when he sat up and pulled on some socks, he already felt a little empty. He was really going to miss it today. What about when it was over?

The day was more lazy than he could even imagine. Writing terrible lyrics, scrunching up the paper and throwing them at the wall, accidentally throwing one at Junhoe which had him apologising profusely a million times over. He didn't know why Junhoe had come into his room, he forgot to question it, and Junhoe had quickly left anyway.

It was five pm when he got too bored of lounging about in his chair and he decided to go to a bar. Just a small nearby one where the people already knew him, the atmosphere was more than comfortable and the bartender would keep filling him up the instant one of his glasses finished. He didn't take a glass this time though, he just asked for two bottles and regressed to a little table in the corner of his room, putting his feet up on the booth opposite (and this was totally NOT because Junhoe's words had got to him and he wanted to make sure he wouldn't flirt with the bartender). He was about to take a swig before his phone buzzed in his pocket and he jolted.

_\- you're not at home??_

Jiwon laughed a little bitterly.

_\- just missed me, tiger. been in there all day til now_

_\- seriouSLY? ugh_  
_\- wanted to hang out with you n jinanhyung_

_\- jinhwan's got a schedule_

_\- COME ON_  
_\- my friends are all leaving me_

_\- oh stop it you have other friends_

_\- NUH UH_

_\- YUH UH_

_\- ):_  
_\- i love you mostest_

_\- ew_

_\- HEY_  
_\- don't ew my FEELINGS_

 _\- your feelings are icky_  
_\- come here if you really want me_

_\- ooooooh saucyyyy ;)_

_\- perV_

_\- shut uP_  
_\- where are you?_

_\- nearest pub_

_\- :0_  
_\- DRINKING???_  
_\- HOW SCANDALoUS_  
_\- be there in five_ ❤️

Jiwon shook his head, smiling amusedly as he opened a bottle and took a gulp, throwing back his head and growling softly at the burning feeling down his throat. It was already muddling him up, he could feel his brain cells slowly shrinking (yes that wasn't how it worked but it just  _felt_ like that) and he sighed, sinking in his seat. He wondered if he'd just already be wasted by the time Hanbin got here. That sounded appealing, so no sad feelings would arise from him wanting to kiss Hanbin's stupid face all the time.

He needed to start actually thinking about this 'in love' business. For now, he had just been accepting it mindlessly in a state of depression but he hadn't thought about  _how_  it happened,  _why_  it was happening. Maybe it just wasn't happening at all and he was kidding himself because, was there any other good enough explanation as to why this was only happening  _now_? Sure, he knew he was into guys. He'd wanted to kiss Hanbin before when he'd looked super super hot, but that didn't make Hanbin  _special_.

It spurred him to drink more, thinking that that would help him think more recklessly, and it did. Both of them holding hands and swinging them while they ate ice-cream and talked about dreams of debuting. Talking to Hanbin late at night about his ex-girlfriend, murmuring things that made him happy  _or_  sad while Hanbin might roll over and stroke his hair a bit, trying to make him feel better without words. Grinning at each other in every single one of the performances during the first year because they were actually doing this, they had finally  _done_  it.

Yeah, Jiwon would admit for sure that platonically, he was head over _heels_ for Hanbin with his incredible unique flair for absolutely everything, but romantically? That was unchartered territory. Jiwon was too inexperienced, Hanbin was  _completely_  inexperienced, and Hanbin wanted the kind of wholesome love that had absolutely everything in it, all the things that dramas and books had promised him. Jiwon had been raised well. That was all he had to offer. He didn't know how to cater to  _emotions_ , or make someone feel  _loved_.

"Drinking 'n deep thinking, huh?"

Jiwon blinked, looking up as he suddenly realised that he was slumping so low that he was about to fall off the seat and he quickly sat up, about to put his legs down so Hanbin could sit but the guy just slid in next to him, warm and comforting as he took hold of the unopened bottle, peering at it curiously. "This for me?"

"I-I mean...it  _can_  be but I didn't think you'd-"

"I wanna drink too. I wanna be your drinking buddy for once," Hanbin said, smiling at Jiwon who could only nod to signal 'go ahead'. The close proximity was warping his sense of rationality. He was literally just straight-out staring at Hanbin like a terrified cat and Hanbin slowly locked eyes with him, raising an eyebrow as he sipped from the bottle then brought it back down. "...what?"

"You're pretty," Jiwon blurted out and Hanbin clearly wasn't expecting that, his cheeks touching up with pink. He took a larger sip from the bottle next.

"Nice to know."

"You're not gonna tease me?"

"You already seem a little out of it so no. Besides, I think I'm a little flattered."

"I would find it weird."

"I'm not you," Hanbin said, tone serious but lips grinning and Jiwon had no idea what to believe. He decided to just take another gulp of the bottle and hope for the best, hoping to get so drunk so he could have a good excuse for any of the stupid things he would do tonight because oh, he  _wanted_  to do stupid things. He wanted to be so stupid that it would appall everyone he knew and ruin his reputation. And he didn't know if he imagined the mischievous glint in Hanbin's eyes but the next thing he knew, he was well on his way to drunk off his face and Hanbin was adorably tipsy, all giggly and hiccuping as Jiwon pulled him closer, grinning lazily.

"Hey, beautiful."

"Shhhhh," Hanbin laughed, pressing his finger to Jiwon's lips and the latter only licked it, making Hanbin laugh even harder. " _Ewww_..."

"You were asking for it," Jiwon hummed, leaning in to press his face against Hanbin's neck, breathing him in and it was such a pleasant smell that his hazy mind couldn't recognise. Maybe it was laundry. Maybe it was lemon. Hanbin's arm wound around his waist, or at least Jiwon  _thought_  it did but he couldn't really feel it, and Jiwon brushed his head up higher, looking up at Hanbin with blinking, hazed eyes. "Bin..."

Hanbin smiled gently, stroking along Jiwon's jaw with the back of his index finger. "What?"

"Are you real?"

Hanbin froze a little. "What makes you say that?"

"I...I don't know," Jiwon mumbled, looking down. He was basically in Hanbin's lap. Okay, then. "Why are you here?"

"Your mind wanted me," Hanbin joked and Jiwon smiled a little.

"Yeah, it did. But really."

Hanbin shook his head, and apparently that meant he wouldn't give an answer but Jiwon's befuddled mind was already wandering again, his arms winding around Hanbin's neck as he thought about those prepossessing eyes drawing him in. He believed, his intoxicated mind  _believed_  that Hanbin was doing it on purpose, that Hanbin  _wanted_  him to kiss him, and that was so much more than enough reason for him to lean in - until a hand on his lips stopped him, and his eyes shot open. "Wha-"

"Hyung, why are you trying to kiss me? You don't want to kiss me," Hanbin said, voice firm and Jiwon's heart sank to his stomach. He had been wrong.

"N-No, I...I  _do-_ "

"Why?"

"Bin, I'm so in love with you," Jiwon whispered so raspily that it felt painful, scrabbling for some kind of way for this to make sense but it only resulted in tears filling his eyes, especially when Hanbin had nowhere near the kind of response he wanted. His face was set, no emotion in it at all.

"Why?"

"I don't know, I just...I can't stop thinking about it. About you. It hurts. It's never been this bad before. I don't know why, Hanbin, I don't and I  _hate_  it because it makes it seem like it's not real. But it is. I know it's real everytime I look at you and fall in love again, because I know the feeling by now, it's so familiar. I know it's real because love is painful and I'm in pain, it hurts knowing that this is happening and I can't do anything because it'll ruin everything. But I know it's real. I know I'm in love with you."

Then Jiwon woke up.

 

- 

 

**12 : 45 : 21 PM 2019.02.23 - P A N A C E A**

He wasn't sure if he woke up straight after what happened, or if there was a time gap, but all he knew was that he was just waking up in his  _bed_. He just laid there for a moment, blinking up at the ceiling before he froze then sat up with a start, looking around robotically before he reached out for his phone that was on the bedside table.

_Was it all a dream? It couldn't have been, it was so vivid, it was so...impossible..._

Evidence. There were none of the texts between him and Hanbin from the night before. The last time Jiwon had been texted by him was with the ice-cream selfie, and Jiwon suddenly couldn't breathe. None of it had been real. Had he even gone to the bar? He had a massive migraine, but that could be for another reason. Had he even seen Hanbin at  _all_  yesterday? He didn't know. He couldn't remember. And he was thrashing about without realising he was moving, feeling like a hand was pressing relentlessly on his throat and he was struggling for air until someone rushed in and pinned him down gently, murmuring a soothing, "Hey, hey, it's okay."

"It's not," Jiwon breathed out, clutching onto the arms that hugged him tight to a chest, a head flopping on top of his as hands rubbed his back. "Bin...Hanbin-"

"He's here, I'm here."

Jiwon looked up, falling silent now as he saw Hanbin looking down at him with so much fond worry swimming in his eyes which were glittering so sadly, harbouring jewels of soft blue sapphire instead of dynamic diamond. Jiwon decided to stay quiet, letting Hanbin cradle him gently as he tried to get himself together. He tried to open his weak mouth, wanting to ask what had happened last night but Hanbin was one step ahead of him.

"I found you last night at the pub drunk and crying your heart out. What's wrong, hyung?" Hanbin asked in a voice barely louder than a whisper, pressing his cheek against Jiwon's head and the elder felt so dismal. Of course that was how he had been last night. Miserable, alone, pathetic. Of course. "You can tell me. You can tell me anything. Or nothing. It's your choice."

Jiwon was becoming so sick of keeping this to himself, he  _wanted_  to tell Hanbin everything but his mind wasn't allowing his heart to work its magic, because his brain didn't believe in magic. His brain was right.

"Love is hard," was all Jiwon could say and Hanbin nodded, carding a hand through the former's hair.

"I know."

"I had...had a dream. You were in it."

"I was?" Hanbin asked in surprise and Jiwon nodded, dropping his head onto Hanbin's thigh and he felt like crying all over again when he recalled the dream. God, he should've known it was fake. Hanbin was too caring to be that emotionless, he would have gone motionless, or he would have wordlessly comforted Jiwon without putting his two cents in because he wouldn't know how to react, but he wouldn't just tactlessly question Jiwon to the brink of tears. That was Tigerbin, but he never came out for these circumstances,  _that_  guy was the one who was stroking his hair now and pulling the blanket tighter over Jiwon, making sure he was snug. "Was it a nice dream?"

"Yes and no," Jiwon sniffed, thinking back. It was almost nightmarish, but some parts of it had felt so good. Then there was his speech at the end. His speech that still applied, and he couldn't believe he had said it. Or, thought it. Dreamt himself saying i- whatever. "Hanbin?"

Hanbin nodded, caressing his jaw and he did it so much gentler than Dream Hanbin had. "Yeah?"

"Do you need to know how you fell in love with someone to be able to know you're in love with them?"

"Hm, that's a toughie," Hanbin hummed in the annoyingly cute manner he did  _anything_ , already thinking hard and Jiwon angled his face into the younger's hand, thinking, yes, Hanbin definitely smelt like laundry. In the best way. "I think, maybe not. It'll depend, but I don't think it's a requirement. Falling in love with someone is, more than not, a gradual process, there are so many things that can spark it, and human beings don't always have good enough memory to remember the hows and the whys. But we're emotional beings. We'll just  _know_  more than we can analyse. If you know you're in love with someone, don't fret yourself about the how. Maybe you'll figure it out along the way and maybe you won't but that's okay."

"Why did you sell your soul to the devil? Why are you so beyond your years?" Jiwon asked in such soft awe because out of all the times Hanbin had looked beautiful, hot, out of all the times he had been teasing and playful, this was the strongest Jiwon had  _ever_  felt that he wanted to kiss him. Or maybe that was at the Melon Music Awards with Hanbin's beautiful speeches and him being ready to cry. Or maybe that one time before debut when Hanbin rounded them all up after a depressing night just to have them leave full of more hope than any of them thought that they could ever have again.

Hanbin was so amazing that it wasn't fair. 

"Come on, I just interpret stuff. It's not like you have to believe me," Hanbin snorted, rubbing Jiwon's side and it felt so nice. "That's just what I think." 

"It's a really nice thing to think. I like the way you think." 

"Well, I like the way  _you_  think," Hanbin retaliated, tapping Jiwon's nose and Jiwon grinned sleepily, burying his head further into Hanbin's chest and Hanbin automatically pulled his blanket up with him. "You're great." 

Jiwon felt some kind of sadness settle in him, but it was numbing. Calm. "I don't know about that."

"Shh, I'm sorry, I'm meant to be trying to get you to rest," Hanbin murmured soothingly, leaning down to kiss Jiwon's forehead briefly and Jiwon let him, warmth curling from those lips through his entire body. "The director let you have a few hours off so I'll wake you up when you need to get ready, hm? Unless you don't want to go at all, then I can call agai-"

"It's fine, it's fine," Jiwon said weakly, resting a hand over one of Hanbin's. "Wake me up then. I'm perfectly fine with it."

"Okay," Hanbin agreed, squeezing Jiwon's shoulders and Jiwon felt like a little boy again, being coddled and loved and comforted after having tripped up in the sand pit. "I love you."

Jiwon hummed in return, not quite registering that Hanbin wouldn't know that meant 'I love you too', letting his eyes close. Hanbin slowly let go of him, resting him back in the middle of the bed as he fixed up the duvet and the pillow before tiptoeing out and it was when he was about to turn the light off that he saw a piece of paper on Jiwon's desk. He went to it, wanting to put it in one of Jiwon's drawers so it wouldn't fly away somewhere, but he couldn't help but see what it said.

_ forgive me _

**_I can see his eyes in the corner of my mind,_ **  
**_Keep telling myself that it'll go away with time._ **  
**_Thinking he's the one is the worst thing I've done,_ **  
**_I wanna tell him 'forgive me, baby, I'm going so numb'._ **

**_It was him, it was always him, yeah I knew,_ **  
**_Tryna find all the ways to tell him I love you,_ **  
**_Just to say none 'cause I'm not who he's looking for._ **  
**_Forgive me, baby, don't let this pain become more._ **

_Who is it?_ Hanbin thought, frowning to himself as a corner of his heart shattered, fading away into nothing.  _Who's hurting him?_

~~~

One hour later, Jiwon was just staring up at the ceiling. He couldn't sleep anymore, and the feeling of being overwhelmed by weariness had left in only ten minutes. He wasn't used to being this immobile though it did feel nice to rest and be doused in comfort, and he felt so relaxed when a certain someone peeked through his door, he didn't feel like freaking out even a little. He just turned his head and smiled, sitting up a little. "Hey."

"Hi," Junhoe muttered, holding onto the door. He looked so lanky, even though most of his body was covered by the door, but this was one of the times where he didn't seem completely comfortable in his tallness. Jiwon wished he could comfort him, somehow, and tell him that he didn't need to be so stiff. "Um...how are you?"

"You checking up on me?"

"Mhm..."

"I'm good."

"That's good."

Junhoe moved a little, so more of him was showing but he still hid mostly behind the door, clutching it like it was a teddy bear and he was five years old. "So...Hanbin lied."

Jiwon blinked. "What?"

"He didn't find you. I found you. Everyone thought you were at the mv shooting again so they didn't think about looking for you at all, and I went to the bar to get drinks because, you know me, and there you were, head in your arms, sniffling."

Jiwon's eyes widened. "Oh, that- that makes a lot of sense..."

"I was so worried. I pulled at your arm and then you just kind of raised your head and wailed in my face so I dragged you home and- I called Hanbin to look after you, though. I'm not good enough at doing that to have...done it.

"It doesn't matter. Thank you so much," Jiwon said, awe blooming in his chest as Junhoe nodded, looking down. "But why...why did Hanbin say-"

"I told him to lie about it."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to make things any weirder."

Jiwon couldn't help his smile. "So why are you telling me now?"

"Yeah I didn't want to make things weirder but then I thought...we're friends. You're my brother. I need to stop worrying about that kind of stuff."

Now  _that_  made Jiwon smile bigger than anything. He held out his arms, beaming as shamelessly as any beacon. "Come here."

Junhoe shook his head. "No."

Jiwon slowly dropped his arms. "Okay."

"Was it about the guy, hyung?"

"I think so."

"If you're feeling like shit about it then please don't because you know it's perfectly okay to cry. I do it a lot, honestly, and I don't feel ashamed of it anymore. I think that, oh, I'm already sad in the first place so why should I add any other meaningless negative emotion? Being sad already sucks. Hating the fact that you're sad only sucks more, so don't do it."

"Okay, if you're gonna give me nice monologues then at least sit on the bed with me," Jiwon said with a raised eyebrow even though he was really sending every bit of his love to Junhoe, and the younger scrunched his face up a little, looking behind him before he walked inside and sat cross-legged on Jiwon's bed, just opposite him. He was in sleep clothes and his hair was all downy, soft-looking, and Jiwon wanted to pet his head so bad to say thank you.

"He helped me figure it out a little, you know. He managed to make me feel better about it."

"How?"

"Asked him a love-defining question and he just went  _off_  like the perfect specimen he is."

"Ugh, perfect specimens are so  _annoying,_ " Junhoe whined in a preppy voice and Jiwon giggled, bundling up his duvet so he could hug it to his chest. "So he helped you despite being the actual problem. Yeah, he really does sound quite irritatingly perfect."

"He is..."

"So what's the conclusion?"

"I don't know if I've got that far yet. I think I'm still scared," Jiwon sighed, looking down as he fiddled with his fingers. But then Junhoe was tapping his blanket-covered knee and Jiwon looked back up at him, blinking when he saw the overwhelming 'it's okay' expression in his face. Junhoe's 'it's okay' expression wasn't the same as everyone else's. There was no smile, no soft look, just a twinkle in his eye and his head tilted a little. Junhoe was basically a puppy, and Jiwon held his breath in anticipation.

"You know that pretty much every single sign is pointing to just you  _going_  for it, right?"

"That's not true, Junhoe, it could rui-"

"Ruin so much, yeah, I know that's all you've been thinking about. But you should tell him."

"Listen, it's just like you and not wanting to make things weirder between us. I really don't want to break what he and I have, you don't understand how  _torn_   _up_  and  _destroyed_  I'll be if I _ever_   _lose_  him-"

"Hyung, I get it, I  _get_  it," Junhoe interrupted, patting Jiwon's knee again as the elder tried to catch his breath. "But this is different. This is a risk that you should take because there's a chance that it could ensure so much happiness for you, and eliminate the sadness that's settling everywhere inside you right now. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to try. That's- that's all I've got to say. I'm sorry."

Then Junhoe was getting up and leaving as quickly as he had first peeked his head through, not responding to Jiwon's call of 'wait!' and in a matter of seconds, there was no trace of him ever having been there. And slowly, Jiwon slipped down the bed and laid on his back again, flopping his head into his pillow.

Self-care. He hadn't been practising a lot of that lately, had he? For this whole thing, all he could think about was how it could affect Hanbin and their careers and he still would worry about that, but himself? Was Junhoe right, would dating Hanbin make him that happy? Ugh, of course it would. There was no argument. The problem was, the probability of a good outcome was about two percent.

_Rejection or not. You need to let this out, or it'll grow too much and become something unhealthy._

So he slowly rolled out of bed, still having the blanket wrapped around him as he crawled towards his desk and felt around for a pen, finally getting one before writing on his hand:

 **'** **Today** **, kiss Hanbin. See what happens.'**

 

- 

 

**3 : 09 : 54 PM 2019.02.23 - W R O N G**

It was raining. It was raining hard, and Jiwon was in love with it.

They decided to wrap up the filming at the park and move onto shoots back inside a warm, not-wet studio and Jiwon's request of 'please don't make the set as sickeningly lovey-dovey this time' actually came through. Jiwon still arrived in the best blue raincoat he had, waddling inside like a penguin and grinning when the director patted his head. "I came prepared."

"I can see that but we're not shooting outside, you know."

"I know! But still. Very prepared."

"Well, shed that, get styled up, then we're ready to go," the director said, smiling briefly before he clapped his hands and rounded all the crew along with the actress up. "Everyone! This is our last day for shooting so let's make sure it goes well! You've all done incredibly good so far and I'm proud, so keep up the good work and we can all get some nice food after. I'll pay, of course."

There were hopeful cheers and Jiwon smiled, feeling his heart being filled up as the actress stood beside him, sending him a grin. "How's it going, buttercup?"

"All good. Let's do this," Jiwon said brightly, taking hold of her hand as he dragged her over to the stylists and she laughed, letting him do it.

Jiwon had announced very casually to the others that it was his last day shooting. Yunhyeong had cheered, wrapping him up in a hug while Chanwoo threw out all kinds of congratulations and Junhoe raised his glass, nodding. Jinhwan loudly joined the hug too while Donghyuk ran off only to come back with fucking  _pompoms_  so he could become the cheerleader he was destined to be in an alternate life. It was great and Jiwon loved them all, even extending an arm to forcefully pull Junhoe into the hug, grinning when Junhoe pressed his face into Jiwon's shoulder kind of affectionately. Such a puppy.

Of course Hanbin wasn't there.

But Jiwon didn't actually mind so much, and he wondered why he didn't. But it didn't matter. If anything, it was a good thing that it wasn't affecting him.

"What do you think about quails?" Jiwon asked the actress randomly when the others were going through their shots and the actress raised an eyebrow at him.

"I mean...yeah, they're cute."

"I'm gonna kiss one today," Jiwon said without thinking, his heart swelling from his own words and the actress grinned.

"Aww, do you have a pet quail or something? Are you getting one? That's adorable."

Was Hanbin his pet? Not really. Or he  _could_  be, he couldn't imagine Hanbin disliking Jiwon scratching him under the chin- but Jiwon felt so jittery that he couldn't keep still or quiet about any of this. Hell, it was the luckiest thing when the director called for a break because otherwise, Jiwon really might have blurted out his exact plans and ruined what everyone thought about him which wasn't what he needed at all, not right now. So he just went outside after believing that it was still raining from the small pitter-pattering he could hear on the roof, quickly calming down the stylists who were worried about his look getting ruined with as much charm as he could muster before he slipped out. The cold moisture hitting him was a  _delicious_  feeling. It felt so much better without the raincoat.

He could feel himself slowly getting soaked through and through. It was average rainfall, the type of rainfall that was neutral with no purpose to destroy, it would last for a good amount of time and he angled his head towards the sky, closing his eyes even though he really wished that he didn't have to. The rain trickled down his face, his hair, and it was doing what it always did - washing away Jiwon's worries, his thoughts, until everything was gone and he felt like simple quintessence floating in space. There was nothing holding him down. 

Clean slate. 

But there was too much going on for there to be a clean slate. 

 _I want to be someone he loves,_  Jiwon thought, looking down once more.  _I want to let him know that I love him, that I can love him, that...I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing but somehow I can't stop thinking about doing it so doesn't that mean something? I don't know how I fell in love with you, Bin, but it happened and you said that was okay. Should I believe you? I want to._

"Sir!" He heard someone call and he blinked, turning around to see a stylist standing almost outside but not quite, arms over her head to shield herself from rain possibly hitting her. But in one of her hands, she was shaking something - Jiwon's phone. "You keep being texted!" 

"Ah, by who?" Jiwon asked, frowning and the stylist answered, "Hanbin-ssi, I believe-"

"It's okay!" someone in the distance called out, familiar sweet voice, a soft yell, and Jiwon froze. "Hanbin-ssi's already here!" 

The stylist blanched before quickly slipping back inside and Jiwon looked around frantically, not having been able to catch which direction the voice was coming from and the rain was going too hard for him to get a good look of anything and suddenly he felt trapped, like this was another dream all over again that would take a nightmarish turn, maybe it would be even  _worse_  than last time - but arms were wrapping around him. No, Hanbin didn't crash into him like Jiwon would've expected (if he even  _had_  been expecting anything), but he was gentle, hugging him tightly and Jiwon didn't know why. "Hanbin?" 

"Jinhwa- Jinhwan-hyung poked fun at me for not being there last night and it, it made me feel bad," Hanbin managed to get out, breathing heavily and the rain went on around them but Jiwon was starting to forget about it as he saw Hanbin's pretty eyes so close to his, small white clouds of cold leaving his lips each second. "I n-needed to say good luck but you weren't even replying to my texts and this decision to come was so impromptu but it felt  _right_  and I just-"

"Have you been drinking? You're okay, right?" Jiwon asked worriedly, stroking a hand down Hanbin's cheek gently, with the back of his hand like always, and the latter grimaced. 

"Just some cider but, not drunk, not even tipsy. I think. I'm fine." 

Their breath was mingling as the rain crashed onto them, making Jiwon want to stick even closer to Hanbin. 

"God, you really- you didn't have to, idiot. You really didn't," Jiwon murmured, knowing very well that his heart was trying to tell him something but he didn't want to listen. He rested both hands on Hanbin's face, frowning when Hanbin closed his eyes and tried his best to level out his breathing more. "You're crazy. So crazy." 

"Cr-crazy for you, maybe," Hanbin replied with a weak smile and Jiwon shook his head, astounded. 

"Shut up." 

"Aren't you cold?" 

"Not even a bit." 

"You really love the rain, don't you?" Hanbin asked softly, taking in Jiwon's willingly drenched appearance as one of his arms slipped down to his waist and he rested his free hand on Jiwon's chest, fiddling with the material and the feeling was so hard to ignore. Jiwon laid a hand over it to stop it from being so distracting, keeping the other one on Hanbin's cheek that was so warm even with the cold water trying to get everywhere it could. Even in such gloom, his enigmatic Hanbin was glowing. "I like rain just because it's so dynamic, so simplistically able to wash things away but - it makes you happy, you find  _peace_  in it, right? It gives you ataraxia. I think that's beautiful." 

"I don't know what that word meant but thank you," Jiwon replied, trying to hide his awe and it seemed to work from the way Hanbin laughed. "It just...feels good. I don't think too deeply about it like that." 

"Yeah, I know, and I love that."

"Why?" 

"I've spent my whole life thinking too deeply about things...sometimes you're like a breath of fresh air. But then again you can think deep too, and I can think freely at times. There's always something that differs or something that's similar and it's just...something I appreciate so much. It's something I take for granted, 'cause it's like it's always been like that, for so long." 

"You never take anything for granted, Bin, I know you. The humblest kid." 

"But you- aren't you different? I always think you'll be there. But you can't always be there. I think I can do anything with you because of all we've been through. But that's not true. There are boundaries. There are problems that'll arise if I keep ignoring them. I love you and that's, that's just it, life is more difficult when it comes to people you lo-"

And that was the moment Jiwon chose. That was the moment he chose to shut Hanbin's sweet mouth up as he gently pulled Hanbin's face closer and with a small wisp of breath between them, he pressed their lips together, feeling Hanbin instantly go slack-jawed. And for a split-second, Jiwon swore that everything that was wrong with the universe faded away into nothing. Hanbin's grip on him tightened, and Jiwon didn't feel any  _pain_  anymore. No more dread, no more hurt, no more wanting to scream his voice away. His heart felt like it had been set free from its cage of desolation - until, the mirage faded. 

Because the instant Jiwon pulled away, expecting to catch his breath and keep Hanbin in his arms, instead he got Hanbin pushing him away so forcefully that he almost slipped on the wet ground.  

"Wha-" 

"W-What are you doing? Why, why did you do that?!" Hanbin asked and for a terrifying second, it seemed like the dream until Jiwon took in Hanbin's clenched fists, the shaking of his pupils, the angry red colouring his face but  _he_  wasn't angry, he only looked confused, lost. And the rain still went on around them to mark Jiwon's demise. 

"Because-" 

"This is a joke, please-" 

"Hanbin," Jiwon said firmly, ignoring how his heart was cracking inside his chest as he took hold of the younger's wrists, painfully staring him right in the eye and Hanbin breathed out, staring back as his eyes cleared and he whispered, "It's not a joke." 

"I'm in love with you," Jiwon said, as dynamically, as fairytale-perfectly as he could but his voice still cracked at the end because how couldn't it when those five words carried more weight than the world? And Hanbin bit his lip, shaking his head, and water flew. Because of the rain, Jiwon didn't properly notice the tears in Hanbin's eyes. 

"N-No, no you're not-" 

"I am-" 

"You're not, please, it's not me," Hanbin begged, backing up, wrenching his hands out of Jiwon's hold and Jiwon could only let him. "I'm so- I'm so sorry."  

Jiwon's heart was breaking so much that anger was beginning to blindside him. "What are you  _talking_  about?" 

"Why did- why did you...no, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters, I just- I should go." 

Jiwon furrowed his eyebrows, his voice a million times softer as he asked a confused, "What?", wanting more than anything to understand and erase the vulnerability in Hanbin's expression but Hanbin only shook his head, whispering another 'sorry' before he turned and ran off, not stopping once until he was out of sight which didn't take long at all in the dark wet mist but Jiwon still tried searching for him, looking around helplessly as the rain blocked out all of his senses. Why wasn't the rain helping him? Why didn't the rain feel like his friend anymore? 

 _I'll wake up,_ Jiwon thought, still holding onto a thread of hope.  _I'll wake up and this day wouldn't have happened yet, I wouldn't have kissed him, I wouldn't have told him I was in love with him. Any second now._

So he waited. 

And waited. 

He waited until there were tears mixing in with the rain. 

He waited until he couldn't wait anymore, because he was called back into the studio. And he still hadn't woken up.

He walked in numbly, stylists fussing over his drenched self but the instant the director caught a glimpse of his wretched face, he pushed a cameraman out of the way and made his way over quickly, eyebrows furrowed. "Jiwon?" 

Jiwon couldn't help his face from scrunching up as he shook his head. He couldn't speak. His mind was transferring all and anything into white noise on default, and everything was blurry as strong arms went around him, the director's, then another pair of lithe ones, the actress', and he felt their care and worry but it wasn't getting into his head. Nothing was.  

"Yoona, get him some water," the director ordered and the actress nodded, rushing off with a stylist as the director pulled back and rested his hands on Jiwon's shoulders, trying to get the guy to look at him. "Hey, hey. Kiddo, what happened? What's wrong?" 

Jiwon shook his head, sniffing. "He hates me." 

"What?" 

"He hates me. I hate me. So much." 

Someone handed the director some tissues and he handed them to Jiwon who slowly wiped his face, looking down at the tissues and sniffling some more. "I knew it wasn't going to turn out right...but I still went for it. And I'm not sure if- if it was even  _worth_  it. And now he's gone. And he'll hate me forever. And I don't blame him, for anything." 

"Jiwon-" 

"I-I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Then let's finish shooting," Jiwon muttered, his voice giving out at the end as he trudged off, wet and torn apart and bereft, and the director stopped anyone from going after him. 

"Leave him be," he muttered, worry clouding his face. "I think it's gonna be a while until he's okay, even if he pretends to be."

 

- 

 

**1 : 45 : 34 AM 2019.02.24 - A M I T Y**

"Where's Hanbin?"

"No-one knows where Hanbin's gone."

"Is he not in the studio?"

"Just checked, no dice."

"His room?"

"Not anywhere in either house."

"Not picking up his phone, I think he's turned it off."

"It's been years since he's run away like this."

"Should we file a missing person's report?!"

"Maybe we should trust him a little more."

"It's been _hours._ "

"Hanbin, please..."

The first thing that Jiwon really expected when he turned his phone back on after shooting was more congratulations, but the instant he saw all the messages from the group chat, the blood was draining from his face and he felt like the worst human on the planet. Obviously who would care about him when Hanbin was supposedly missing? Fucking  _missing_.

And it was all Jiwon's fault.

When he entered his house frantically, there was no-one there and he allowed himself to take one breath before he threw his stuff on the floor, changed into comfortable clothes in about ten seconds, before he was bounding up the stairs because he was too worked up to use the elevator and in no time, he was banging on the door of Hanbin's apartment. He got an answer in seconds and it happened to be Jinhwan, eyes wide in trepidatious anticipation and Jiwon had to admit, it hurt a little, the way Jinhwan turned a little crestfallen when he realised, _'Oh, it's just Bobby.'_  But Jiwon didn't blame him. No, Jiwon couldn't blame him one bit.

"Come on, what are you waiting for?" Jinhwan said a moment later, taking hold of Jiwon's arm, smiling weakly, and Jiwon kissed his head. 

"It'll be okay, hyung."

"You can't say that..."

"Jiwon?! Okay, at least you're here now, I want all of us in the same place," a familiar voice sobbed out as Jiwon made his way inside and suddenly he was attacked by a classic Yunhyeong-hug, arms tight around him with as much love and worry pouring out as possible. Jiwon blinked, swallowing a little before he hugged back, not realising how much he needed it and Yunhyeong felt so much like home, with fluffy hair, the best hugs, a warm aura - Jiwon could cry again, if he wanted to.

Chanwoo tugged the elder back after a while, giving Jiwon an apologetic smile as Yunhyeong let out a breath, fanning himself before walking off and Chanwoo went with him, as did Jinhwan, then there was no-one left with Jiwon. Not even Junhoe or Donghyuk. Where were  _they?_

Jiwon made to follow them since he wasn't really sure what else to do until he heard a rush of movement and he felt paralysed, breath falling short as he felt it before it happened - Junhoe's hand, grabbing onto his wrist before pinning him to the wall and Jiwon let out a squeak, eyes blown wide as he stared at the boy in a front of him with the ghost of a snarl on his lips, his eyes blacker than ever. No warmth at all. "What did you do?"

Jiwon wanted to throw up. "I didn't-"

"I know he's gone because of you," Junhoe said and even though Jiwon already knew that, hearing someone else say that made it hit that much harder, his lungs constricting and he couldn't reply even if he tried. "I'm the one who told him it was your last day of shooting. I'm the only one who knew he ran out to see you and after that, he disappeared? Coincidence? I don't think so. I thought he could've died or got injured but no, at the least we would have heard about that by now. You did something and I'm not resting 'til I find out-"

"He's the guy, Junhoe," Jiwon whispered, eyes welling up for what felt like the hundredth time today when it was just the second, and Junhoe's grip loosened as his eyes grew softer with confusion. "He's the guy I love." 

For an amazing second, Junhoe was completely overtaken by surprise. Every single fibre of his body seemed to spark with the energy of it - until it all fell away, and only worried Junhoe was left. "Oh God. Hyung, if I knew it was him, I wouldn't have- I wouldn't have told you to tell him. Not like that."

Jiwon looked at him desolately, too weary to try and understand. "What do you mean?"

"With someone like Hanbin," Junhoe began, sucking in a small breath before continuing, "y-you can't default him. He's special. He's been single for so long, and he has a million ideas of love. He wants love, he adores it, and it also scares him, I'm sure of it. It'll overwhelm him. He knows too much without having gone through it. You're supposed to be...careful. With people like him." 

"Do you even know what you're talking about?"

"Not really but I think I'm right. And hyung, Hanbin knows. Hanbin knows you've been in pain, so imagine how he feels now that he knows that he's been the one causing it?"

"Shit, don't say that," Jiwon breathed out, dread settling deep inside him and Junhoe shrugged like he hadn't just revealed the secrets of the universe.

"It's true."

"How do you know he knew about me hurting?"

"I find him sometimes...when I go to the studio, he's always there and I, I know how to observe. I know how to see things in people, if I'm interested, or concerned. I'm not a dumb kid."

"Christ, Junhoe, I know you're not-"

"And I'm still so angry. Maybe not even at you anymore. But he's  _gone_ , Jiwon, he's gone and I bet he's sad and cold and alone and he probably won't even think that I'm caring about him but I  _am,_ " Junhoe said with rasp growing in his voice, eyes tearing away from Jiwon and Jiwon had to admit, it was an ice-cold feeling to have Junhoe omit the hyung with his name, but that wasn't the thing Jiwon was worrying about. He was worried about the way Junhoe was shaking, anger and defeat in his veins. "He's an idiot. You're an idiot. I'm an idiot. Everyone's an idiot and I hate it."

Then Junhoe was letting go of Jiwon and walking briskly to Hanbin's room which was where the others had gone and Jiwon watched him go, wincing when Junhoe slammed the door behind him but Jiwon couldn't even see it happening because his eyesight was too blurry. He just flattened his back against the wall, sinking slowly and once his legs hit the floor, he let out a small sound. Maybe it was a sob. It didn't quite sound human to his ears. Maybe because he felt like a monster.

He didn't know how long he stayed like that, head in his hands scraggling through his hair, tears welling up but never quite leaving his eyes until he heard someone crouching down in front of him and a hand resting on his knee. He sniffed, wiping his face before lowering his arms and there in front of him was Chanwoo, wide-eyed, sweet Chanwoo. "Hyung? You okay?"

"J-Just in a weird mood today," Jiwon sniffled, laughing a little and he was about to start ugly crying immediately after but Chanwoo nodded sympathetically, taking hold of Jiwon's hand and squeezing it.

"That's okay. Wanna join us on Hanbin's bed? It's all some kinda panicking glory going on while we keep trying to get updates but it's calmer now and we're just getting sad and hugging each other. It's a depressingly nice bonding experience."

"I don't think I wanna move..."

"Alright." Then Chanwoo was getting up and Jiwon let him leave, resting his arms over his knees as he looked down at the hard wooden floor. But his ears perked up when he heard footsteps. Many footsteps. Loud, familiar footsteps. Quiet ones, careful ones, care _free_  ones, loud ones - and then his bestest friends in the entire world were settling around him, Jinhwan collapsing onto him as Donghyuk punched his arm and Junhoe laid out like a starfish on the floor in front, complaining about lights until Yunhyeong went to turn it on. Jiwon's heart swelled to the max, his lips captured into a grin as he hugged Jinhwan tight from behind, pressing the side of his head to the top of his before the sweetest maknae was saying, "If you don't wanna move then we can always come to you."

"Shut up," Jiwon sighed to Chanwoo, shaking his head to hide how much he loved these people, his bandmates, his colleagues, his damn family, as he watched Donghyuk playing with Junhoe's hair and Yunhyeong coming back to lie down too but in a less obnoxious way than Junhoe was, resting his head in Chanwoo's lap. Chanwoo looked down at him, waving a small 'hi' and Yunhyeong smiled tiredly, waving back. Jinhwan was just quiet and he really did seem like a teddy bear in Jiwon's arms and yeah, Jiwon knew he wasn't one, but he still played with the elder's sweater-pawed hands, moving them about a little. He felt Jinhwan's stiffness easing up and Jiwon smiled, hooking his chin over Jinhwan's shoulder. "You good?"

"It's five am. He's been gone fourteen hours."

Jiwon's good spirits instantly plummeted and Yunhyeong groaned, raising his head a little. "I thought we weren't going to  _mention_  stuff like that."

"Should we be looking more places? Are we giving up too easy?" Junhoe asked uncertainly but Donghyuk shook his head.

"People better at this than us are on it, don't worry."

"I think we're the people he'll want to see most, though."

"Not me," Jiwon whispered under his breath and Junhoe looked back at him, sadness flashing in his eyes. Apparently the guy had supersonic hearing too, or maybe it was telepathy.

Suddenly, four phones seemed to buzz at once. Junhoe's was on silent and Jinhwan's was in his room but the others took theirs out apart from Jiwon who just watched the others with wary eyes and immediately there were a lot of sharp gasps and excited but confused looks. Should Jiwon be scared, or hopeful?

"It's Hanbin," Yunhyeong whispered, the first one to speak. Jiwon blinked in amazement as Jinhwan sat up, moving away and grabbing Yunhyeong's phone to get a look.

"What did he say, what did he-"

"Okay, first text is promising.  _I'm okay._  That's nice," Junhoe said flatly, reading from Donghyuk's phone and the latter hit his head, making Junhoe blink in confusion. "What?"

"Oh thank God. Oh my gosh, I feel like our fans when they say that even one word from us is enough because it ensures we're  _alive_ ," Yunhyeong wailed, clasping his hands together but Junhoe held up a hand.

"Pause the waterworks, didn't I imply there's another message?"

 _"Two walks in grey, across pasquinade, light up the way, I'm tired today,"_ Donghyuk read out and everyone let out the breath they were holding, looking at each other confusedly, until Jiwon suddenly slammed his hand onto the ground and everyone flinched.

"I know where he is."

"Wait, how the fu-"

"It's a riddle. I- I know what he's getting at," Jiwon breathed out, standing up shakily, clutching onto the wall as he made to walk off. "I'm- okay, I'm gonna go to him, you guys stay here, I need to talk to-"

"Kim Jiwon!" Yunhyeong yelled, making Jiwon freeze. "Don't you  _dare_  be fucking selfish. You're taking all of us, do you think you're the only one worrying?!"

Jiwon slowly turned around, eyes wide as he watched Chanwoo and Jinhwan holding Yunhyeong back, even though everyone knew that Yunhyeong wouldn't  _actually_  run at Jiwon. But this must have been the first time in a long while that he had seen Yunhyeong so angry, fists clenched and cheeks brushed red. Tears in his eyes too. Jiwon was underestimating how much all of them cared, all that was on his mind was making Hanbin forgive him and making sure he was safe but - they  _all_  cared about Hanbin's safety.

"N-No, you're right, I'm sorry. Just- Chanwoo, get an energy drink, Donghyuk, get a torch or a few, Yunhyeong, boil a cup of ramen. He said walk but seven guys walking around this early'll seem suspicious so, I'll drive," Jiwon said in the strongest voice he could muster, nodding at everyone who scattered around getting things and coats and all sorts, and it was Junhoe who sidled up to him, looking curious. Jiwon stared at him weakly, asking 'what do you want?' with his eyes and Junhoe slightly held his palms up in surrender.

"Just wondering. How'd you figure it out? And so fast?"

"Sometimes, I feel like I don't understand Hanbin at all but at times like these, I know I do. I can't give you a good enough answer but I just...I just know him."

"That answer's fine," Junhoe said, smiling slightly and it really did alleviate a bit of the weight on Jiwon's shoulders. "We should go."

"Wait. Can you call me hyung again? Just once? So I don't spend the rest of my life thinking you hate me?"

Junhoe raised an eyebrow at Jiwon who clasped his hands together, trying and probably failing to give the most emotive puppy dog eyes he could and then Junhoe was shaking his head, muttering, "You're so strange, hyung," before he walked off and Jiwon grinned, inflating again as he called out a thank you but Junhoe didn't respond. But that was okay. Now it was time to go make sure another person didn't hate him.

That would probably be a bit more difficult but, Jiwon couldn't help but think that in the name of love, he was ready to do pretty much anything.

Amidst all the negative emotions taking over him, he didn't feel any fear.

 

- 

 

**5 : 56 : 28 AM 2019.02.24 - C L A R I T Y**

Jinhwan had managed to convince a member of staff to let them borrow his car, dismissing him when he offered to drive. "This is a family matter, sir."

Jiwon gave him a tight hug when he came back before they all ran to the car, the two youngest in the back which included a lot of telepathic confusion because neither of them could decide which side they liked better until Chanwoo just decided to leave for Yunhyeong and Donghyuk which Junhoe didn't mind so much because it meant that he could lie down again and ignore Yunhyeong's warnings about seat belts. Jinhwan was default shotgun without any of them even talking it over and Jiwon checked through each section of the car to make sure they were all there, smiling when he saw Junhoe reaching over a car seat to bug Yunhyeong who glared at him while Chanwoo tried to appease things and Donghyuk was trying to break them up while Jinhwan only seemed to be adding more fuel to the fire. It was already a mess.

Jiwon opened his own door to what he expected, a racket, and he slipped into his seat, calling out, "Let's go," as he pulled on his own seatbelt and everyone got quieter in an instant. It made Jiwon feel a bit weird and shy, moving slower as he quietly clicked in the belt. Maybe this was how a leader felt. But then they were off and Jiwon was already arguing with every single one of them about music choices and it made him grin because no, he wasn't a leader. He'd never be one and he was really okay with that.

 _Two walks in grey_  – two streets away from the building, long streets that would be enough to 'make your hair go grey' or maybe it was 'make your day grey'. Streets that long were on the left, and Jiwon was on it.

 _Across pasquinade_  – Cartoon Street. Pasquinade meant some kind of publicly displayed satire, Jiwon had heard Hanbin use it in an unreleased song once to metaphor how celebrities who only put one foot in the wrong place were seen as by netizens, and Jiwon knew immediately that in this riddle, Hanbin meant the 'street of fun', where cartoons and caricatures littered the walls and more. Hanbin said across, meaning he had to be past the street.

 _Light up the way_  – Hanbin was in a place that required flashlights. Somewhere dark, somewhere like a forest. Exactly like a forest because Jiwon had previously been to the forest that he saw when he drove down, he remembered it like clear day. Jiwon had to park the car lower down, knowing that there wasn't enough space for him to drive inside, besides it was so dark, what if he accidentally ran Hanbin over?

 _I'm tired today_  – Jiwon decided not to think too deep about that. He was sure that it just meant literally that Hanbin was tired and it was probably more to assure the others than to be part of the riddle, a sort of reasoning for why he ran away without saying too much. He probably had no money, and Jiwon had drink and food ready for him.

Only Hanbin. Only Hanbin would do something like this, and it made Jiwon want to do everything from punching him to hugging him to kissing him, he just-  _anything_. He needed to know if he was right. If this was really what Hanbin meant, or if it was something else that Jiwon was just too dumb for.

"We're here?" Yunhyeong asked with wide eyes, clutching onto the back of Jiwon's seat as he leant forward and Jiwon nodded, turning around to look at the others. Even Junhoe was sitting up again with visibly messier hair.

"I think so. I...guys, look," Jiwon muttered, swallowing because his mouth felt so incredibly dry with all the expecting eyes peering at him. "Please, I'm begging, let me talk to him alone at first. I think I know why he's run away, and I think it was because of something  _I_  did."

"What did you do?" Jinhwan asked, looking calmly ready to burst into flames and Donghyuk moved forward to wrap his arms around the elder from behind, pinning him back.

"Hear him out, hyung."

"I don't know if I can tell you guys now but...I will. I promise," Jiwon mumbled, making the mistake of looking at Junhoe who had that twinkle in his eyes again. "Please, just let me make this right then we'll all have a great big hug fest with Hanbin, and you can beat me up too. But if you want us to all go in together right off the bat then I get that too. All your choice."

The others all looked at each other, scrutinising things through expressions and brainwaves and Jiwon felt small through it all, a convict awaiting a jury's verdict, until he jolted once Yunhyeong was reaching over to hand him the ramen, energy drink, and a torch. "Take it. Do what you need to do then call me or one of us  _immediately_   _after._ "

Jiwon nodded, taking the words for the mercy they were as he opened the door and clambered out, the ramen still steaming in the cup which Jiwon was thankful for and it took a while for him to tun the flashlight on but he got there in the end. He wouldn't lie when he said that he was a little terrified to venture into such open darkness - but he had been here before. Albeit, it had been a good few years, but this place still couldn't be a stranger to him.

"Hanbin?" Jiwon called out as he reached the opening of the forest, entering with a small wince and tiny footsteps, wanting to be more manly but it was so difficult. He didn't realise how tired he was until now, too. "Leader? Where are you..."

Jiwon swished the flashlight wherever he could, seeing less wildlife than he expected but still more than his weakened heart could handle - hell, he almost fainted when he saw a badger scurrying somewhere and he just wanted to think  _fuck it_  and get the hell out of there. But there was a clearing somewhere, he knew there was, and he couldn't remember which direction and the darkness was really drowning his sense of anything, he  _never_  would be able to find it by himself - and he didn't need to. A voice helped him. An angel's voice. Okay, not an angel's, but something close, and Jiwon almost dropped to his knees in relief instead of following it.

"Come here, hyung, here."

Jiwon slowly nodded, turning left as he felt a lump growing in his throat that his swallows couldn't overwhelm. Then he just went for it, walking fast, just straight, closing his eyes a little at one point - and then he was stopped. Trembling hands on his arms, body warmth that wasn't warm enough and Jiwon held his breath, blinking his eyes open as he turned the flashlight off, letting his eyes adjust to the night. "Hanbin?"

The person nodded and his features became clearer, a sharp but still sweet nose, hair that was getting long, and those eyes. Those eyes, awful in such an incredible way, that were wide and sad, shining more than the stars as Hanbin whispered raspingly, "I didn't think you'd be the one to come first." 

Jiwon shook his head. "I wouldn't have been. But I needed to be, so I made sure I would be."

"You figured it out?"

"Of course I did. Come here," Jiwon murmured, immediately shrugging off his jacket to wrap around Hanbin as he pushed the ramen into the younger's chest, watching Hanbin look down at it amazement. "Eat, be warm. You're such a moron for doing this."

"I couldn't think of doing anything else," Hanbin replied feebly, his voice cracking and Jiwon nodded, humming, "I know," as he pulled Hanbin back down to the log the guy had been sitting on, judging by the bag and the phone that was there.

"Fight-or-flight response, huh?"

Hanbin didn't reply, only staring at the ramen, staring and staring before he slowly set it on the ground and decided to pull Jiwon's coat around himself more.

"So, is it that bad? Me being in love with you?" Jiwon asked, jokingly, in a painful way that had his chest squeezing but he could live with it. And he  _felt_  Hanbin flinch more than he saw it, felt the way that Hanbin didn't want to move closer to him anymore. Jiwon was pretty sure that from now on, his own heart would never stop breaking. "What, what is it?"

"It's not that," Hanbin said, his voice still so quiet and Jiwon had to strain to hear it. "I've- I've barely even been thinking about  _that_. Even though I should've been. But all I can think is - it's me."

"It's you?"

"It's me who's been hurting you and I...I'm really not sure if I-I've ever,  _ever_  hated myself more."

Jiwon's blood ran cold.  _Exactly what Junhoe said._

"Bin, I- oh my  _God_ , this isn't what-"

"Please...don't get angry. Or frustrated," Hanbin pleaded, squeezing his eyes shut and Jiwon felt so terrible. "I was angry for a good few hours, at myself, at the world, at so much and it was just a waste of time and energy because - there's no point. Things happen, and they've already happened...all that's left is the afterparty. Oh but who's the only person with me at the afterparty? Sadness."

"I'm here," Jiwon said quietly, sounding like a small kid and Hanbin sniffed, smiling at the ground.

"I don't want you at this afterparty of demise, hyung. You're the last person I want there."

"Then scrap the afterparty, I'm just here  _now_. In  _general_. To say sorry. It was the worst decision of my entire life to kiss you."

"Can you word that any nicer?" Hanbin joked and Jiwon blinked before laughing in surprise.

"Oh gosh, I didn't- you  _know_  what I mean. It was so stupid. I came on too strong, too fast. There are people who don't even kiss when they've been dating months, and I kissed someone who doesn't even like me back?! Like,  _fuck_  that. So stupid."

"First, let's...let's talk about it. Or try our best to," Hanbin said, reaching out to take hold of Jiwon's fingers lightly, brushing his thumb over the knuckles and it was the softest thing Jiwon had experienced in so long. He wanted to pull Hanbin close, kiss his hand, kiss his cheek, hug him, talk about any and every thing. He could. But he'd feel like he was taking advantage of someone who was weak, cold, and tired. He couldn't. But slowly, Hanbin's other hand clasped his chin, pushing upwards gently so their eyes met and Hanbin smiled. He was so pretty. So pretty, but Jiwon didn't care about his prettiness, because he was only seeing the emotions between them. "You're in  _love_  with me. Exaggeration?"

Jiwon shook his head, not wanting to blink even though his eyes were beginning to sting. "I don't think so."

"Why? How?"

"You said that I didn't need to know."

Hanbin's eyes softened, emotions clearing. "I did say that."

"I think I figured out  _why_. It's just because you're amazing. That's it, and then the universe did crazy voodoo that like, jumpstarted my heart into making that 'you're amazing' romantic."

"Oh, what beautiful wording."

"Isn't that what happens? If one person's great, then why doesn't everyone who gets to know them fall in love with them? Why do some fall, and some stay friendly? How does platonism work, how does romance work, how far do they differ? There are like certain sequences for each type of love and I guess, mine skipped a little, into the romance one."

"Do you think it's linear?"

"No way, it's clearly Fibonacci. Everything that happens in love is related from the very first element, the first look, date, kiss, it all influences each other and adds up to each-  _anyway_  look, do you get what I was saying? My heart was nudged into a different path with our relationship and I don't know why, or how, but...maybe, I can nudge it back if I try."

"You don't have to."

"What?"

"You don't have to nudge it back," Hanbin whispered, leaning closer as his slender fingers skimmed Jiwon's cheek and Jiwon stared at him in a trance, stars running around his head. "I don't think you should have to."

"But I  _do_  have to, kid. It's the only way to keep things right," Jiwon said confusedly as Hanbin's thumb brushed over his knuckle again and this time Jiwon made his own thumb brush back. "I can't be in love with you. Are there  _any_  benefits to that, over so many drawbacks?"

"What drawbacks?"

"The fact that gay love is simply not appreciated, the fact that idols just in general love get torn apart, the others feeling weird about it, fights, arguments - and, oh, the worst one. You not loving me back."

"I always tell you I love you."

"Bin, don't be dumb, you know it's not the same-"

"Kiss me again."

Jiwon's eyes widened so much that it  _hurt_ , expecting more than anything for Hanbin to grin and say 'syke!' or at least repeat his words and it would end up being something completely different but Hanbin was just staring at him, anticipating. And this time Hanbin's prepossessing eyes  _were_  pulling him in, so much more gorgeous in real life than his mind could make them in a dream, even in darkness, and Jiwon's mouth was completely dry. He wanted to ask 'what?' to buy time but he knew exactly what Hanbin had said and Jiwon had to think - maybe this was an opportunity that he'd forever regret not taking.

"Why?"

"I don't know. But I want you to."

"Considering how you pushed me away after the first time, I don't think you do."

"Are you seriously bitter over a kiss with surprise factor and without my consent?" Hanbin asked in a slightly irked and curious tone, eyebrows furrowed and Jiwon stifled a gulp because Hanbin really had a point. Really, that kiss wasn't one of Jiwon's finest moments. But Jiwon still remembered the way it had made him feel in those few seconds, the way everything was painless, nothing  _hurt_. One kiss, even if it wasn't under the best of circumstances, had set him free.

"No. Not bitter at all," Jiwon replied truthfully as Hanbin glided closer, so he was slightly inbetween Jiwon's legs and Jiwon wondered, was this time? Hanbin didn't seem to want to talk anymore, so maybe it was. His hand was shaking impeccably when he raised it to rest on Hanbin's cheek and the younger smiled a little, taking his off of Jiwon's face so he could rest it over the hand on his. Hanbin's hand was so freezing that Jiwon instinctively made the decision to turn over his palm and intertwine their fingers, making Hanbin blink.

"Are you really nervous now?"

"Shut up," Jiwon mumbled, dropping their hands and Hanbin swung both pairs slightly before pulling them into his lap, which was successful in keeping Jiwon close. Jiwon really couldn't run away, even if he tried. "I'm fine."

Hanbin grinned, all sparkly eyes. "Liar. How did you do it last time?"

"That was different. It's less scary when you're not expecting it. And you were just ranting in such a  _Hanbin_  way and there was  _rain_  which was blurring stuff and I was just, delirious, because all I could think about was just this goal of letting you know that, that I love you, and this is what's been happening these past few days, and this is what's  _wrong_  with me and I want you to-"

It turned out that it wasn't Jiwon that chose the moment. Hanbin just leant forward, eyes skimming over Jiwon's face as the guy spoke his heart out before he pressed their lips together in the simplest way he could think of. And Jiwon froze. His words all died in his throat as he thought,  _it wasn't me this time._

And Hanbin pressed closer, holding onto Jiwon's hands tighter as the beginnings of dawn pricked at Jiwon's eyes but he closed them so that everything was dark again. So everything was just Hanbin, their innocent kiss, the night. He felt the same bursting feelings from the first kiss again but everything was so much calmer as his heart floated, relieved of all its weight, and Hanbin's lips were soft, hesitant, but not pliant - they were kissing back, or at least trying to do something, and Jiwon just wanted to stroke them and press a million kisses to them and tell Hanbin that he was doing great. Because he was. Jiwon was falling more in love with each second, and he didn't feel any regret.

Jiwon pulled back once he felt Hanbin really trying hard to hold his breath, smiling when Hanbin gasped out immediately, looking completely out of his senses and Jiwon pecked his lips again before leaning back completely, looking at Hanbin with questioning, hopeful eyes. The sun rising behind Hanbin was almost blinding him, but that was okay. "That was nice."

Hanbin nodded, his eyes blown wide and Jiwon hoped that meant that he agreed.

"So...so what? What was that supposed to do?" Jiwon asked nervously, clearing his throat and he didn't want to stop talking even to let Hanbin answer. Maybe because he was scared of the answer. "I know how much you love love. I know how much you think about it. You need to know that I couldn't ever live up to your fantasies."

"But you know something you are that my fantasies aren't?" Hanbin breathed out, voice scratchy and filled with soft childlike excitement. It melted Jiwon's heart and he gestured for him to continue, asking a gentle, "What?" as Hanbin clutched onto him even tighter, whispering like it was an otherworldly secret, " _Real._ You're  _real._ You really love me. And having someone love me is what I've been dreaming about for so long."

"Do you...wait, what are you saying? Do you love me back? Or not?" Jiwon asked, completely and utterly confused and Hanbin shook his head, disentangling one pair of their hands so he could rest it on Jiwon's shoulder, near his neck.

"I don't think it's that simple I just- I love the idea of it. I love thinking that I could love you."

"Would you?" Jiwon asked carefully, raising a hand to stroke over Hanbin's cheek with the back of his fingers, and honestly, Jiwon still had no idea what was going on. So far he had picked up, maybe, that Hanbin wasn't in love with him too but...the guy didn't want to reject him? "You don't have to be nice, you know. Break my heart. Let me at least not live a lie, don't lead me on-"

"Hyung, you're not  _understanding_  me," Hanbin said, his voice getting a little harder as he gripped Jiwon's shoulder tight and the elder yelped, pulling back and Hanbin's eyes softened immediately as he rubbed the shoulder in apology. "No, I'm...I'm not in love with you but, I want to be. God, now that you're presenting me with the opportunity, I want it more than  _ever_."

"Only you would treat this like a job interview," Jiwon said in amazement, feeling jittery when Hanbin's hand glided down to his hip. "You're so weird."

"I can imagine it," Hanbin said excitedly, eyes aglow. "Holding hands, going on dates, kissing in secret, love letters,  _monologues_ -"

"Bin, Bin, you're doing it again," Jiwon murmured as he rested a finger on Hanbin's lips, shushing him and Hanbin blinked, looking so innocent, doe-eyed, that it melted Jiwon down to nothing. "You're fantasising. I'm not your fantasy."

"Can't you show me what it's like in reality then?"

Jiwon's heart was soaring. "Only if you want to."

"I...I do. Because, it means, love, and kisses, and you not hurting. And you'll make me happy. Fantasy or not, I  _know_  you will."

"I'm going to try my best," was what Jiwon said in return, his heart beating so fast as he kissed Hanbin's cheek and marvelled at how the younger flushed red. "I'm going to try so hard for you. I'll win you over. I'll show you why I love you, because I don't know how to tell you."

"And I'll make the pain worth it," Hanbin replied softly, resting his hand on Jiwon's chest to curl into his shirt. "I'll love you until you can't remember it anymore."

It was happening. Jiwon could see it happening right in front of his eyes, that  _nudge_ , where Hanbin's overwhelming love for him was skipping into a romantic sequence, the universe was working its crazy voodoo that no-one would ever understand. And Jiwon was already out of breath when he leant forward almost desperately to kiss Hanbin again and Hanbin returned it, the hand on Jiwon's hip becoming an arm around his waist, tilting Jiwon back slightly, and Jiwon's fingers threaded through Hanbin's soft hair as he whispered a raspy, "I love you," and Hanbin kissed him again, driving Jiwon crazy, and Jiwon almost missed the one thing he wanted to hear the most out of anything in the entire world.

"I love you too."

_'A love that won't ever come to me again...I'm in love, yes, I'm in love with you.'_

 

- 

 

**6 : 34 : 12 AM 2019.02.24 - D E N O U E M E N T**

This one morning had been so stressful, what with Hanbin going missing, finding Hanbin, that whole talk, then the others ambushing them with Yunhyeong stuffing the ramen into Hanbin's mouth and Junhoe drank the energy drink himself, saying he was drained enough to need it.

"God, I love you, I  _love_  you," Yunhyeong groaned, hugging Hanbin so tight that it was a miracle that the younger wasn't seeing stars, and then it was like a queue built up for Hanbin hugs, with a few punches in between until Hanbin was permanently whining. Junhoe was late on the hug. Him and Hanbin just stared at each other for a while, unblinking, until Hanbin grinned and opened his mouth to speak and only then did Junhoe pull him into a hug, pressing his face into Hanbin's neck before quickly pulling away and beyond everyone's expectations, he didn't punch him. Hanbin looked pleasantly windswept.

"I hope you're okay, idiot," Jinhwan sighed, leaning up to kiss Hanbin's forehead and dump his jacket onto the guy too on top of Jiwon's. Hanbin smiled weakly, both of them meeting foreheads and closing their eyes for a split-second like second nature.

"Love you, hyung. I'm sorry."

"What did you guys talk about for so long? You're, like... _glowing,_ " Donghyuk said to Jiwon, a mock-disgusted look on his face and Jiwon rolled his eyes, punching the other in the arm which had Donghyuk grinning. "There we go."

"Just happy. And sleep-deprived."

"I get tha-" There were suddenly yelps and a crash and they both looked to the source with wide eyes, which happened to be Hanbin groaning on the floor while Chanwoo lay on top of him so they were a cross, laughing his head off while Jinhwan rested a hand on his head in "these  _morons"_ embarrassment and Yunhyeong patted his back. Hanbin looked ready for death but he still patted Chanwoo's head and Chanwoo beamed, waving hi.

"God, I love my idiots," Hanbin mumbled, laughing painfully when Donghyuk piled on him too and maybe Jiwon was the only one to hear that but it made his insides light up. Yeah, they were all Hanbin's. Their leader. Their friend. He did so much for them and Jiwon could only hope that this kind of thing would show them how much they all loved him too, to Mars and back and would worry about him to the point of delirium.

"Your idiots love you too," Jiwon whispered in his ear ten minutes later right before they got into the car and Hanbin heated up a little, grinning uncontrollably without being able to meet Jiwon's eyes.

"I know you do...but thanks, hyung."

Jiwon didn't know when he had last smiled so hard. That was the best answer he could have ever asked for.

They didn't tell anyone what happened. Or, they didn't exactly disclose what happened, only that there was a 'conflict of feelings' which could only be translated as a fight according to how the others reacted, except for Junhoe who was completely silent. The most that happened was when Jiwon was driving and Hanbin (who Jinhwan had nobly sacrificed shotgun for) took hold of his hand gently, kissing the back of it and Jiwon's heart swelled to the brim. They shared smiles and the most lovey looks but said nothing.

Jiwon was stressing during the entire ride about what was going to happen when they got home. Jinhwan and Yunhyeong would definitely not let Hanbin go  _anywhere_  but to bed, but...Jiwon wanted to talk to him more. He wanted to ask what was okay and what he couldn't do, what this would all mean, what was going to actually  _change_. At the least, he wanted to be with him. Stare into his beautiful eyes a little until one of them got shy, hold hands and be blushing teenagers in love instead of grown men with jobs that consumed them. He didn't want their last encounter of the night to be exchanging knowing looks over Jinhwan dissing the radio's song choices (because early morning radio was always the worst).

"Alright, go to sleep, everyone," Yunhyeong called out once they pulled into park before Hanbin could say a word of authority but everyone surprisingly followed the former's words, mumbling sleepily but staying fairly orderly as they clambered out and walked off not in sync at all but simultaneously, Hanbin's arm around Jinhwan's shoulders, Junhoe and Yunhyeong side by side having a rare amicable talk about pillow sizes while Chanwoo and Donghyuk seemed too dead for anything but walking. And Jiwon was just slow. He was slow in completely parking, he was slow in taking off his seatbelt, taking the key out. He was  _very_  slow in getting out of his seat, instead just watching the others for a while out of the window. He smiled, shaking his head, amused and emotional for no reason but he knew why he was  _happy_ , there were more reasons than one for that.

"Thank you, so so so much," Jiwon said profusely to the staff he had borrowed the keys from, bowing before jogging off back to the apartment complex. He hesitated before going to his own, looking up at the ceiling for a moment and wondering what he should do. He wanted to see Hanbin so bad that the feeling was  _engulfing_  him but there was no use in being desperate and annoying. In the end, he only wanted the guy to sleep so he opened the door to his own house, waving at Jinhwan who seemed to be attacking a sweater he was trying to put on.

"You know how I'm your best friend," Donghyuk said as they both brushed their teeth together and Jiwon raised an eyebrow, stopping mid-brush.

"No."

Donghyuk frowned, brushing his teeth a bit more sadly until Jiwon clamped an arm around his shoulders. "What's up, dude?"

"Are you and Hanbin properly okay now? No hard feelings?"

Jiwon nodded, letting go of Donghyuk and spitting out. "No hard feelings."

"It always hurts when you guys don't see eye to eye because we all know how close you've always been, from the very start. It's really sweet but it makes me worry more because it might kill me if you guys break one day, or if something happens that jeopardises the friendship," Donghyuk mumbled, having taken his toothbrush out to be more eloquent and Jiwon was frozen, heart in his mouth. He didn't know that the others thought of him and Hanbin like that. He thought he was the only person who thought about the deep layers to their friendship, worrying about compromising it but still compromising it all the same.

Technically, wasn't dating Hanbin compromising it too?

"Yeah," Jiwon replied quietly, washing his brush. "I get it. Don't worry, though. We're so strong that it'll definitely take a lot, and one fall-out won't ever be enough."

Donghyuk smiled, nudging Jiwon in the stomach. "See you later."

"See you, squirt."

Jiwon was yawning by the time he stumbled into his room, focusing on 'just one foot in front of the other' as he felt too fresh-faced to go to sleep but still incredibly tired. He turned on a lamplight, and he was about to mindlessly collapse onto the bed until he heard a small sneeze and he froze, terrified. He didn't have a kitten as far as he knew. But then the sneeze was followed by a deep cough. Okay, he didn't have a dog  _either_.

He did have a boyfriend, though, which almost equalised.

"Oh my God, why are you  _here_ ," Jiwon groaned even as he fell onto the bed to rest his head on Hanbin's chest, torso in between the guy's legs and Hanbin laughed quietly, his hands stroking through Jiwon's hair so gently and it made Jiwon close his eyes without thinking. "You're so...annoying..."

"I know, I know," Hanbin shushed, hugging Jiwon's head. "I just had to. And you really took a while."

"Well, I didn't think there was someone  _waiting_  for me, did I?" Jiwon bit back, sitting up a little as Hanbin smiled at him dazzlingly, lean fingers twisting into Jiwon's shirt at his hips, tugging him closer and Jiwon didn't dare object. He was too starstruck to do anything anyway. "Hi."

"Hello," Hanbin replied brightly, so cute that it made Jiwon's tired lips tug up into a smile as he caressed Hanbin's cheek, hand slowly falling onto Hanbin's neck, completely aware that he was falling under a spell. They both were.

"Do you have a cold?"

"Nah. I feel great great great."

Jiwon shook his head. "Moron. What's wrong?"

"No, nothing! Just...good things. Good things are happening," Hanbin murmured, looking down and he was a withdrawn angel, glowing skin in the dim lighting, baggy clothes drowning him. Jiwon was taken by how Hanbin could make simple so ethereal. "I mean, it's scary. And new. And I don't know how-  _what_  to do. But it's good."

"You know how to hold my hand. You know how to care about me. That's literally all you need to do, love," Jiwon hummed, eyes softening as Hanbin moved a little closer, fingers fiddling relentlessly with Jiwon's shirt which made Jiwon feel all jittery. Hanbin quickly shook his head, though, muttering, "N-No I need to kiss good and look after you and make- make sure I don't  _ever_  hurt you-"

"You kiss just fine," Jiwon interrupted with a whisper, leaning forward to press his lips to Hanbin's and he adored the way Hanbin melted into him, fidgeting hands calming down as one smoothed up to Jiwon's chest and it was too exhilarating, but Jiwon still broke away, grinning at Hanbin's sweet parted mouth and slightly pink cheeks. "And you've looked after me so many times before, come on. When I'm sad, when we were going through so much? And, if you hurt me..." Jiwon didn't have an answer to that sentence until he saw the trusting shine of Hanbin's alluring eyes, eyes that when Jiwon thought about it, they never  _meant_  to be alluring. Hanbin might be the smartest but most innocent adult Jiwon knew in the way he learnt the world's ways as if he was the world itself. Mastering how to portray emotions without knowing how to use them. Knowing his own massive worth without accepting it.

The hand that inched towards Jiwon's curled around his fingers, gently, almost yearning and it was what made Jiwon finally say, "If you hurt me then, it's okay. I'll...yeah. I'll really always love you, and you're not hurting me right  _now_. Right now, I'm the happiest man alive 'cause of you. That's all we gotta worry about."

"I can't believe I never thought about this when you're literally all I could ask for," Hanbin signed morosely, leaning back and that's when Jiwon got up, making Hanbin blink in confusion, yelping when Jiwon pushed him so he rolled over - but all Jiwon wanted to do was get them under the covers and pull the guy close so he could sleep happy. It must have been nearing seven am by this point and slumber was starting to pull at Jiwon's eyelids.

"You really never thought about this?" Jiwon asked coyly once they were lying next to each other, leaning close so he could rest his hand flat against the hem of Hanbin's sweatpants, so his fingertips just brushed underneath his shirt, and his lips hovered over Hanbin's so close that  _Jiwon_  almost couldn't bear to not close the distance but it was worth it, really, to see the panic in Hanbin's eyes. Jiwon smirked. "Never?"

"M-Maybe, out of, curiosity," Hanbin said quietly and that immediately piqued Jiwon's own curiosity.

"What, seriously?"

"You're hot," Hanbin mumbled almost inaudibly, pulling on the covers to hide his burning face and Jiwon probably wasn't making it any better by laughing in his face but  _God_ , he loved this. Yet he still pulled the covers down from Hanbin's face gently, resting an arm around Hanbin's waist and stroking his back. That seemed to give Hanbin a little more confidence and Jiwon wanted to kiss his cheek so bad but he still felt a little weird about doing stuff like that, even if they were...'something' now. "It would just  _sometimes_  spring to mind. Not fully! Not even properly. Just when you look particularly nice to look at. Which is a lot...and, just wondering what it would be like on the other end when you get all romantic in that way you so uncharacteristically do sometimes. Wondering how it would feel to be the person you sing 'in love' to."

Without thinking too much, Jiwon instantly swept up to hover over Hanbin, resting an arm on the bed on the left side of the guy, crooning, " _You never know how I feel, baby..._ "

"Oh God, don't," Hanbin muttered but he looked completely enthralled, his smile shy and prepossessing all at once. And Jiwon was going to continue until Hanbin's hand threaded through his hair and pulled his head down, kissing his jaw slowly and Jiwon was in a daze as he stammered out,  _"W-When you kissed me, you- you drivin' me...crazy..."_

"Don't be so cheesy, hyung, I can't."

"Well, you asked for it. The song's for you, Bin. All for you, that's the reason I even first realised I was in love with you so you don't need to 'wonder' about it," Jiwon murmured and it was like the words made Hanbin softer than gooey marshmallow, visibly sinking into the mattress as he slid his arms around Jiwon's waist, locking the guy against him and now this was reminding Jiwon of the first fantasy he ever had of him and Hanbin.

 _Because in his imagination, the girl had all of a sudden been replaced by the beautiful guy of Jiwon's dreams, as in_ **_literally_ ** _, clad in a hoodie and jeans and smiling brighter than any star. Hanbin was the one close to him, their chests pressing against each other's and legs messily intertwined as Jiwon ran a hand down the younger's side, pressing soft kisses to his jaw—_

But this wasn't his imagination and Hanbin was the one stroking him, eyes scouring Jiwon like he wanted to kiss every inch of him. And Jiwon's voice was a raspy whisper as he sang softly, breath ghosting Hanbin's lips,  _"Baby, I'm in love with you."_

Hanbin's eyes were glistening with light tears that wouldn't be shed as he hugged Jiwon tight to him, throwing his chin over Jiwon's shoulder before squeezing his eyes shut. Jiwon smiled, closing his eyes too as he rested his head on the space next to Hanbin's head on the bed, huddling slightly into the crook of Hanbin's neck and he felt goosebumps there. A brush of lips against heated skin and there were even more.

"How is this coming so easily when we were still only just friends a few hours ago?"

"The  _best_  of friends. Homies.  _Sidekicks_. Kindred  _spirits_. Practically  _soulmates-_ "

"Okay, okay, I  _get_  it. And I guess it's not that it's coming easily, I just...wanna love you as much as I can now I've got this chance. And it's the same for you, right?"

"You're a mind-reader, aren't you? Should've known," Jiwon said fondly, rolling back into a lying position next to Hanbin just so he could cuddle into him and Hanbin could cuddle him back tighter and warmer, lean arms around him. They were nice arms. "This, it's one of the reasons why I love you. How you understand things so quickly. How we're different but some parts of us still work the same, because we're so in tune with each other." Except Jiwon didn't say any of that out loud because he couldn't find the right way to open his mouth and say it without tripping all over it and ruining the meaning, so all there was was silence, the scent of deep thinking, and Hanbin looking at him curiously.

One day, Jiwon would say everything on his mind. Absolutely everything, because he wasn't ashamed of any of it.

And better yet, he'd do it in a song and this time, he'd know for absolute certain who it would be about. The cute quail in his arms with the prettiest eyes, an innocent heart and an incredible mind, who made Jiwon fall, despite everything that pointed to no.

And things never  _would_  stop pointing to no.

But Hanbin's hand slipping into his and a fuzzy, sloppy kiss on his cheek pointed very, very much to yes. Jiwon didn't even rub his cheek after. Hanbin looked very flattered by that.

"Let's sleep, doll."

"That sounds promising," Hanbin hummed, grinning sleepily and Jiwon pressed up closer for all the body heat and comfort and love. "Goodnight, hyung."

"Night."

~~~

** one's promised **

_It's after midnight when we find divine,_  
_But are our hearts intertwined?_  
_Love pains without concurrence,_  
_Hear their heart beating but no coherence,_  
_Tell me, am I blind, or are you?_  
_The moon promised me 'agony adieu',_  
_But the night can't speak. Midnight is divine_  
_But full of lies._

 _Tell me your story before I say mine._  
_I'm broken inside, you heal what I've resigned,_  
_But is it worth it?_  
_I'm in love without knowing why._

 _It's after midnight when we find divine,_  
_Not yet but slowly, slowly hearts intertwine._  
_Love soars without an answer,_  
_Hear hearts beat to compliment disaster,_  
_Tell me, if I'm in love, what about you?_  
_The world promised me a canvas of blue_  
_Which all comes back to the night, where we lie,_  
_Pain to alleviate as love promises you mine._

Jiwon was torn between crying and smiling bigger than he could handle when he saw the newest poem that Junhoe had posted on instagram. He had already had the best wake-up so far, in Hanbin's arms with the sweetest sleeping face, pecking his lips before getting up. Junhoe's caption,  _'people can hurt and do things wrong in love, but when it's destined to come together after for the better, that's the most painfully beautiful thing I can think of'_ nearly set Jiwon's tear ducts off completely.

"JUNHOE!" Jiwon called out as he walked past the younger's bedroom casually, pausing next to it and he snickered under his breath when he got a grunt of "What?" in reply.

"I really love the new poem. Thank you. It's beautiful."

He knew there were two things Junhoe could say in reply. One was 'why you saying thank you when I didn't write it for  _you_ , did I?' or-

"Then fucking  _double tap_ , asshole," Junhoe grumbled, clearly not meaning for Jiwon to hear and Jiwon silent-laughed so hard that he fell a little, having to hold onto his stomach and the doorframe.

In the end, he gave Junhoe the benefit of the doubt. He liked the post, blowing Junhoe a kiss from behind the closed door before going back to his room with coffee so he could dive into Hanbin sweetness all over again. It had been the most perfect morning ever, full of love confessions, cold forests, hugs, tired smiles, encapsulating poems, lazy kisses. And being in love.

He was in love, and he didn't know the why, or the how. He just knew that he finally realised who he was supposed to be in love with. The person who 'made his life complete', the person who 'made the world play a song' whenever he was around, the person he'll 'walk with when no-one's there'. But how did Hanbin complete him? What songs played? Where would they walk? No, Jiwon still didn't know any of that, but he was absolutely itching to find out.

Only a lifetime left to do so. 

**Author's Note:**

> what is THIS?? 
> 
> answer: no-one knows 
> 
> anyway i don't have much to say except for this was nice to write and have a nice dayyyyy


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